Ching Szuen

i thought i had loads to type in here. but i guess not. maybe it’s just cos i’m lazy. hahaha but in any case…i shall try elaborate a little. spent new year’s eve at sarah’s. thanks sarah for such warm welcome! no booze to calm the restless cempakans itching for it but still it was good. met up a lot with wy. that was really nice. been such a long time since we hang out so much. brings back the good old days back. if only you listen to me and quit your job there in australia. hahaha

new year’s day, mei ffk me, again. spastik. been told by wy to scold her. now i realise i should have scolded her more. hahaha new year’s day was a little bit ruined. declined so many invitations to go out to meet up with her, but last minute ffk. stress. what a lousy way to start the new year. but got to play ps2 with beaver in the late afternoon. he was an hour late. but at least got to play. basket. i realise my friends really aren’t that good. ppl are sometimes so ungrateful. think they need to lose such a gem of a friend like me before realising i’m damn terror. haha

anyway, came back to singapore yesterday. reached home pretty late. couldn’t really sleep cos slept a bit on the bus despite the super pig snoring next to me on the coach. that bugger…snore like nobody’s business. if i knew him, i’d smack him across his face. or at least use a pen and draw his face. hahaha

so..onward to today. today was a good day. started very nervously with all my colleagues getting letters stating how much increment they get. but i didn’t get mine. a bit stress. but no time to think about it. long holiday had left me quite a bit to do. so i was busy all day. in fact i didn’t even think about it again till late afternoon when someone msg me asking if i am promoted yet. haha so…asked the boss’ secretary to ask the head of dept to see if my letter is there. she then duly passed it to me. i very nervously opened the envelope and behold….I GOT PROMOTED AND RECEIVE A NICE INCREMENT!!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! *ahem* ok..i sound quite excited but lemme explain why…

so…i was told recently that a certain someone has a lower level of expectations of me compared to another. and then i think, why so? why lower expectations of me? is that the general feeling amongst people? and then i think again, could it be that you have a lower level of expectations of me because i had already reached them? because i have probably already exceeded them? it is so common that you don’t realise something that’s already there, but only when it is missing. could the same be said of expectations? you wouldn’t expect something that’s already achieved. in comparison, if someone has still got a long way to go, your expectations would in a way be ‘more’ because there is still a lot lacking. funny then, that anyone could find any fault in me in terms of my strength, desire, determination and ability. talking myself up? nah…merely pointing out that i am proud to have acheived what i have despite some trying times.

i met up with aileen. i met her in uni during arguably the most…challenging period of my life thus far. she asked me about a couple of friends i have lost touch with due to disagreements and what not. it made me think back to my experience back then. how stupid i was in handling certain scenarios. and how hard i strive to learn from them since. thought about the regrets, the joys. the pains, the laughters. it’s too bad then that i couldn’t go back and rectify some moments of idiocy. but now…now i want to learn from all that and strive for the best. the best that i can give of myself. unfortunately, life isn’t that kind. even when you know you could give so much, and you want to give so much, it does not mean you have the chance to do so. so when you get the opportunity to give, give it your best shot cos you may not get a second chance.

right now i’m back in singapore again. it is christmas day and to be honest, i hardly look forward to christmas days. i’m not a christian. i don’t really give gifts. i don’t receive them. it’s really just another holiday. but this year, i was looking forward to it. i was looking forward to a chance to be good, to be giving, to be able to make someone happy. and yup, just like i said up there, there wasn’t even the opportunity to do so though i wanted to give. i wasn’t even thinking of receiving anything from anyone but just wanted to give a little. and there isn’t even that chance. now…how sad is that? hah…

well if you’re wondering why i seem to maybe post a little less in here, it’s cos usually i’ll be here when i’m down in the dumps. which means that when i’m relatively pleased with my life, i’d spend less time here. so..since i’m pretty delighted the past couple of weeks, i found less need to rant in here to release stress. haha

so…what do i say. ermmm..well…let’s start from saturday. saturday i met up with mei seen. mei came to singapore with a friend. i met up with her at suntec. also got to meet 3 of her friends. i told her i would rather not meet up with her friends cos i don’t really like to make small talk with people i don’t care about. so…i hardly made the effort. haha no..it’s not that i’m antisocial. it’s just that i rather spend my weekend meeting up with old faces, rather than meeting some ppl i know i’m just gonna meet once, make some stupid small talk, then they’re out of my lives forever. it’s so pointless, i feel. oh well…that’s just me sometimes.

anyway..we went to suntec, went to china town, she came to visit my place over here in singapore, brought her to holland village. then sent her back to her friends. so..that was it lah. nothing too interesting. walked soooooo many hours. so tiring. but it was good to see an old friend in singapore lah. all you ppl! visit me more!!!

sunday…sunday was a peach. well..during the day time anyway. wonderful sunday i had, but at night, i had to iron clothes, do laundry, and then when i watched footie, chelski came from behind and won while united lost. ARGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CURSE ITTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *ahem*  anyway….yup, great sunday.

started with a fantastic last weekend. work on monday and tuesday. played football on tuesday night. took wednesday off to see the physio. thursday was spent preparing and enjoying company’s dinner and dance event, culminating in a friday taken off to enjoy a longer weekend. i know, i know. it doesn’t sound that interesting or great. but trust me, this is the type of week that i dream of. this is the type of week i hope for all the time. this is the type of week i wish would last an entire lifetime. and beyond.

anyway, gonna go for physiotherapy tomorrow to try learn some exercises or something that could help my back. it’s so painful, i swear, i feel like breaking someone’s back just so i wouldn’t suffer alone. yes…misery loves company. hahahaha

anyway..last night, gooi woke me. to tell his sis about economics cos she just finished her spm and is thinking of taking up econs. what the hell. that guy…spoilt my sleep. but i guess it’s alright if i manage to help her. i doubt that i did though. blabbering too much. hahahah

well…played football tonight. which is ironic given that my back aches like hell. but i guess i need to lose some weight. so…heck it lah. haha got kicked on my left ankle. what a lousy challenge from that ass as well. kicked me from behind. bugger. and a couple of guys were using their hands to try push me off the ball too. unfortunately for them, i’m too strong and too skilful. hahahaha nothing much about football. i was my usual super skillful self. hahahaha particularly pleased with 1 goal i scored when i was standing on the left side of the goal. someone took a shot i think, somehow the ball came to me and i instinctively hit it first time with the outside of my right boot and into the net. all the guys were cheering for that goal too. good fun.

ahhh…well…if i didn’t look any further than today, then yes, this weekend was more than i had ever imagined. wonderful. but i guess i can’t help just wishing i could be in the bigger picture. cos right now, i have absolutely no reason not wanting to be in it. it’s a very URGH situation. URGH…

oh..and i’m not watching football tonight. yes, shocking. i know. i’ve been banned from it tonight. so…no choice. haha on a brighter side, i got 3 new shirts. there’s a little sale going on. so got me a few needed additions to my wardrobe. must say, well pleased with them. all pretty shirts. especially the one from timberland. love it.

anyway…i played football today. was a good session. ran a lot again. but on 1 attack, i dribbled to the edge then put a cross in, and i fell and hit my knee against a steel bar. it didn’t hurt so much earlier. it didn’t hurt when i got back. but now it’s freaking swolen and hurting so much. hahaha i think the adrenalin got me through earlier but now that i’ve settled down…OUCHHHHHH! could barely walk. football today was so-so. tried to be too fancy. so didn’t get to score too many. good fun anyway. may become a weekly thing from now on in my effort to lose weight. things have been said to me. hahaha

nothing much to say about today cos i was given that URGH news in the morning and it sorta stuck in my mind all day long. URGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! oh wait. there’s 1 thing i remembered. on my way back from football, my colleague was talking to his friend in the car about holiday places and…well…sex. this colleague had only just came back from bangkok so the main topic was bangkok. and how you can have loads and loads of sex there. i wonder if he was speaking from personal experience. but his friend was. telling us stories of how he used to go there and just get laid again and again. even after he was married, me thinks.

ahhh..the end of year. the festive season. the time of the year whereby you look back to the year gone by and what you have achieved. what you have done, the goals you reached and the milestones you passed. and the time you look forward to the new year, making resolutions, hoping for the future, planning for the future, setting targets, and striving to reach them. well..this is what it is to me anyway.

so today i’m sitting here, pondering upon the past year and the one ahead, i realise that i spend 90% of the time planning and hoping my dreams would come true. i guess that’s what’s been keeping me going. i suppose that’s why i always try and give everything my best shot. that’s why i refuse to give up. hmmm…

so..seems a bit early to do this but…what have i achieved this past year? well…firstly, it’s making the move to singapore. really, the whole uk experience traumatised me a little. but i’m glad i made this move. it was good for my career, good for me, and i’ve met wonderful people. yes, most of the time i feel like URGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, but pain builds character eh?

what else? learning. learning about life. learning about work. learning from the past. we never stop learning, do we? i guess i could say that i’m a better man than i was 1 year back. perhaps having found the motivation in my life, i’ve been able to give my absolute best effort in many things i do. and that’s just helped me progress.

actually, i’m not in ‘that’ position ‘again’. i’ve never been in this position before. still learning about life eh? end of year…this is meant to be joyful times. why is it not? why does everything i look forward to falls apart so damn often? you know what the best part is? i was so not looking forward to today this morning, plus all the annoying people in the mrt train, and hating my life and every aspect of it, i thought of killing myself and taking everyone in the whole train along with me. yup. me. ching szuen. thought of killing everyone and myself. hah. i guess people change huh? i just wonder if the police will put me to jail if they read this. hahaha life…

ever since i came to singapore, i’ve been so annoyed with so many random people in the streets. why? because it seems like common courtesy or the concept of being polite is lost on 75% of the people in singapore! i don’t care if any singaporean is reading this or not, but this is FACT! ok…maybe not the statistic of ‘75%’, but it is true that sometimes courtesy is just non-existent here!

i take the mrt, the most convenient form of public transport here, all the time. and the seats are almost always taken up. and everyone who sits down is either falling asleep, playing psp, listening to music or reading the newspaper. and when an elderly person walks into the train, everyone seems to raise their heads to see who entered, then just proceed to continue what they’re doing. nobody bothers to offer their seats! same thing when it’s a handicapped person. nobody! or a pregnant lady! god it makes my blood boil! i’ve taken the mrt hundreds of times. i have seen this common courtesy of ‘giving up your seat to someone who needs it more’ being upheld no more than 10 times.

i will never forget one incident when i was in the train. an old lady walked into the train. everyone looked at her, and did not offer their seats. i was so pissed off. practically cursing at them in my heart. and when 1 passenger left his seat, she finally took a seat. then the next station, a handicapped man on crutches walked onto the train. again, same thing happened! NOBODY OFFERED HIM A SEAT! and all the people besides that old lady are youths! the old lady, seeing this, offered this handicapped man her seat. he said no it’s ok. she said don’t worry, i’m leaving on the next stop. WHAT’S WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!? do they not teach manners to the youths?!?!?!??

well…being a malaysian, i cannot condemn singaporeans for their courtesy virtues cos let’s face it, malaysians in general are just as bad, if not worse. i suppose i only really begin to see this since i’ve started taking the public transport in this region. i hate society. i really do. persons on their own is normally fine. but you put all these people together, and chaos ensues. all these…ideas and thoughts put into the minds of people because ’society disagrees’. what a load of crap!

why do women in general really cannot go out with a younger man? what really is the issue here? i would blame that on society. because society says an older woman out with a younger man is ‘weird’. or ‘unnatural’. or ‘unacceptable’. who created these ideas? who made these ‘rules’? do women question ‘why’ before just accepting this? no. because the eyes of the society on her is such an important issue. because what other people think of her is important to her image. yes, i hate society. society imposes an unnecessary ‘rule’ as to how ppl ’should’ live. some things are, granted, ‘wrong’. or ’shouldn’t’ be done. but others, man oh man…all i gotta say is…please question some things instead of just accepting it all. we’re not robots. we hold the key to our own lives and destinies. we do not need to live our lives based on what society demands. we control ourselves what we do.