Ching Szuen

why am i so happy? well….it’s mostly borne out of frustration from certain scouse fans that annoy the life out of me. i mean..these ppl are just…hmmm..what’s that word….PRICKS. yes. these pricks. nevermind then. from this game, the satisfaction is deep. for i have also won a 50 sgd bet with my director. and united’s closer to winning the league. and pushed me towards winning another bet. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….the satisfaction i get after years of suffering. YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

many things have happened in the past 2 weeks. at times, it’s just fun to look forward to certain things that were planned. other times, it’s just dreadful to have to face other things that were unplanned. so..before i go on to say too much, i have to first say, i send my condolences to bryan’s family, for his mother has passed away last weekend. i wish i could have gone back up there to attend the wake but i’ve got problems of my own so unfortunately i couldn’t make it.

hmmm…so…life. it’s so fragile. any time a person may leave us forever, and we may never get the chance to tell them again ‘i love you’. or tell them ‘you always have my support’. or just to sit beside them quietly, staring into space with them, in silence. things like that, so small, sometimes so effortless, yet so important. to me anyway. so my principle is i always try my best to let ppl important to me know that ‘hey, i’m around.’ so often we take for granted every single little thing others do for us. so often we forget to say ‘thank you, i appreciate it.’ and sometimes even when we do, it may just be said, without the warmth of a heart. so..while i rant rant and rant some more in here, i should probably let it be known that i am thankful for the ways many have touched my life. yet all at the same time, i can’t help but to take a swipe at some who sometimes just take it all for granted. so…when you look at your mirror tonight, pondering about the ppl who have made difference to your lives, think. ‘did this person go out of his/her way to make my life brighter? do i say thank you enough? do i show it enough?’

after that went back to office to pick up my x-ray. took an x-ray a couple of weeks back. it was of spine. just to check if there’s anything up with my shoulder and back to cause all that pain. gonna be bringing it to my physio tomorrow. while at office, chatted a little to jason, shin hwa, lana and menon. then left for home. reached home, took shower, chatted a little with jean, then her bf wai kien called me. he had come from kl to work in singapore temporarily. asked me out for shopping and dinner. agreed.

so went to queensway for shoe shopping. didn’t buy anything. then to holland v’s sushi tei for dinner. then to orchard for snooker, but the shop had closed down. no idea where to go so went to vivocity for pool instead. played half an hour and the place was closing. then came home and now here i am. and i bet all the names i mentioned up there is a blur to most of you. haha

anyway, this is a strange sunday. cos went back to office. cos stopped playing football cos of rain. cos wai kien suddenly called me and we hung out for hours. cos a certain phonecall lasted for only 5 mins. lalala. anyway…my ambition of buying all those things yesterday did not come to fruition. i only managed to buy 1 shirt. from zara. and that was it. i normally find it real difficult to buy clothes. i’m pretty picky these days and even when i find something i like, i sometimes find them too expensive. haha well…that’s why cny shopping have only yielded 1 lousy shirt. i quite like the shirt though. too bad there’s nothing else to accompany it.

so anyway, i shall forget about yesterday and look forward to today. or attempt to anyway. well…i’ve just taken lunch. and it’s maggi mee. haha today’s maggi mee wasn’t my best. think was too anxious to eat. so wasn’t very well done. hahaha oh well…i shall go shopping after finishing this post. do some cny shopping around town. going alone, which means i would probably buy something stupid that i think looks good but everyone else thinks is weird/old fashioned. but i ain’t giving a damn. all that matters is i like it. haha

i suppose i’m not a very forgiving person. things that happen ions ago, i won’t be able to forget no matter how much i wish to. and so sometimes i don’t let go the feeling of pain, disappointment or regret. i wish so much to let go but guess there’s a part of me that just holds onto it. i suppose it doesn’t really reflect very well on me but this is a weakness of mine.

argh. my life is so frustrating. today lin aun mentioned that everyone has problems in their lives and it is about how you handle them that matters. and i absolutely agree. but i guess at times i just get so frustrated on several fronts that just makes me want to give up on life altogether. i know, i know. it’s crazy. and i would not do it cos if i was weak enough to succumb to that, it would have happened long ago. haha

people around my age are meant to have the times of our lives. the prime time, if you will. yet…my mind is not like any other 22 year old. at 22 years of age, many of my peers would still be at uni, having an easy life, cruising through it and enjoying the breeze. me…i’m thinking about the bigger picture. the next 5 years, what could i achieve, where would i be, who would i be with. but all at the same time, i wonder if i would reach there at all. life is too unpredictable to set a goal to be reached in 5 months, nevermind 5 years.

i was having a little chat with lin aun earlier. we spoke of our fears. our thoughts. our worries. our ideas of what life is. we’ve been sharing one another’s lives since we were something like 14. it is then no surprise that we share some similar views or ideas of what all this is about. what is life all about? have you questioned the reason for you existence? have you wondered the meaning of living?

me, i’m living because of 2 things. i’m living because i feel indebted to repay what my parents have given in raising me. i feel i must give them back a good life to show my gratitude. i don’t want to let my parents, nor my grandparents, down by just leaving. if it weren’t for this, i would have left the world a few years back. and the second reason? because of love. i wish to find love. i wish to give love. i wish to receive love. i’m very much the sort that lets his heart control his mind when it comes to love. so you can probably tell how much it means to me if i give up rationality for it.

yet…i’ve always hit some sort of a bump when love comes around. it hasn’t come that many times, but when it does, it’s always bittersweet. i suppose i’m as naive as anyone could be in hoping that giving my absolute best would represent a chance of reaching happiness in love. would i be stupid if i felt like i’m unappreciated? would i be foolish to think that people all around me are ungrateful? am i ungrateful myself for thinking that everyone surrounding me are ungrateful? hah.. some days…i just wish i could be a huge ass jerk who doesn’t give a shit about putting in any effort in anyone. some days…i just feel like giving up on life because i deserve better than this kind of crap.

so why am i talking about this yet again? this is because i realise sometimes we spend so much time being upset. upset about the little things. a joke here. a nudge there. little harmless things like that sometimes make us upset. yes, sometimes we get upset over mindless things. and then you sit and think back, and you realise how dumb you were to be upset at all. and that’s it’s not worth it at all.

when you get upset over silly things, you may forget to just let loose and enjoy the moments, the good times. maybe i’m not qualified enough to speak about being upset over some things but i’m going to anyway. see..some sensitive topics will always be just that, sensitive. for example, few could tolerate jokes about their moms however little offense the joke is meant to cause. or for others, like me, i could never tolerate when anyone insults the people i love. you know…that kinda thing. so…i guess what i’m saying here is that we should be able to laugh at ourselves, let loose, and not worry too much about things because when you worry too much, you forget about the present. and sad to say, for the past few years, i’ve always worried too much that i rarely got to fully enjoy the present. so now…i just want to enjoy my present. and i hope you do too.

well..today was bad. like those bad dreams you don’t ever want repeated. not bad like feel like sticking a pen through my thighs but bad enough to make my head go dizzy and spinning like a disco record. literally. hah. funny thing is, i had the feeling it would be an off day in the morning on the train to work. but i was looking forward to the evening, therefore absolutely disregarding my bad instincts. sure enough, i was wrong to do so. dumb dumb. i’m like the weatherman who looks forward to the picnic in the sun when the prediction says that it would be a rainy day. i’m quite good with metaphors, aren’t i? or so i like to think. haha

strange day, this. sigh..i shall not elaborate on the details for they are best forgotten. however, i’ve got 2 things to say. firstly, that this blog is jinxed. cos whenever i put a post or 2 that has happy contents, i’ll face some kinda ‘bad fortune’. maybe that’s why i tend to blog less in times of happiness. so if you’re looking for ‘happy, happy, joy, joy’ kinda posts, this ain’t the place for you, haha

secondly, on the way back on the train, i got to thinking and rewinded my day in my mind. i dreaded the day. all the way. my head spinning. my back aching more than it ever has before(how many times have i said this before? are you keeping count? haha). and all that. so i came upon the realisation that this is just how life is in general. you love the days when they’re filled with happiness. you wish those days would never end. yet you could not underestimate the importance of the rainy days. if you don’t taste the bitter, you may not appreciate tasting the sweet. that said, let’s hope there would be much much much much more sweet than bitter. i’m not usually one to be ungrateful anyway.

it started well, and then it went not so well for me personally. was pretty fun with my partner and director and all trying to get me to drink. i mean…yes i’d wanna drink for them cos they helped me achieve my promotion but we were drinking margheritas and damn those things are cold! haha. as you probably know, i can’t drink cold drinks quick. so…that was painful. anyway, it went for the worse not due to the drinks but just…bah. stupid things.

well…saturday wasn’t great either. decided to spend the day at home, save a bit of cash. been spending a little more than i usually do, so just taking a break. did laundry. and just basically rotted at home. and then night was…sigh. sometimes i’m a bit clueless as to what to say or do. do you know what i mean when i say sometimes there’s something you want to say or do, but you fear that it may be the wrong move. yet at the same time you want to make that move. and you may not know an alternative move. or maybe just refuse to take an alternative route. bah..not sure what i’m talking about now. just…sigh.