Ching Szuen

where am i heading? i don’t have a particularly convincing answer to that. i wish i knew. when will the ache on my back stop? i don’t know. every sort of treatment i’ve had…from the fucking massages from countless sin se’s, to the fucking useless western doctors, to the bloody chinese traditional doctor who massaged fucking hard and gave me acupuncture, to the specialist who was only interested in asking me to go for an MRI scan which costs a thousand bucks. none of these fuckers gave a shit whether i cure or not. they’re just in it for the cash. fuck you doctors out there. you’re all fucking useless.

yes, i’m pissed. and seemingly emotionally unstable too. well, guess that’s cos i am. i’m so frustrated. and how bout at work? just a bloody drag to get up in the morning, little things to inspire me or to look forward to. i’m at a lost to find a direction. i need to see the ray of light from somewhere. or to get a strong arm to support me while i’m crashing down so helplessly. i know there are plenty out there who would come to me at the ring of a phone call if i needed it. but sometimes it’s most precious when you don’t ask for it, yet get all you need at that very point in time.

i don’t know. there are so many things i don’t know. so many things i wish for. so many desires unsatisfied. yet i know they all seem like a million miles from where i really am right now. if there’s anything i know, it’s that people are just so ungrateful at times. i know there’s so much going on for me at the moment. there would be people who’d kill to be where i am. yet, as human nature demands, my thirst for desires seem to be unquenchable. what an idiot i am.

would it be a sign of weakness on my part to feel so vulnerable, so susceptible to falling and breaking. this is certainly not the first time i’ve felt so lost, like i don’t belong. and i guess these are times that will continue re-occuring throughout my lifetime. i just wonder how i dealt with it before, and how i should deal with it in the future. these may be what people used to call ‘mid life crisis’. so i guess i would just loosely use the word ‘quarter life crisis’ here then. why loosely? cos i’ve probably used that phrase about 100 times before. funny then that i allow myself to creep back into this state if i’ve had so much experience of it before eh?