Ching Szuen

today, i argued with someone who’s important to me, again. well, it wasn’t so much of an argument as the person just being angry at me. it’s something i feel should never be an issue. but unfortunately, not everyone looks at the world with the same eyes as you do. so i can only attempt to understand, and try to make things better.

mei seen just msged me on yahoo messenger. she wants to meet up with me to ‘patch things up’ over a misunderstanding that happened over the internet and she reckons that i probably ’still hate’ her. ppl just never understand me well enough. all the people who have ever been close to me, who are close to me, and who will be close to me, i will always attempt to be good to them. there is no ulterior motive to my wanting to be good. i just want to make people happy. and hope they understand that. so when people misunderstand the things i do, it is deeply disappointing. if we’ve known each other for a long time, then you should know me better. if we haven’t spent that much time together, then it is the times we spent together discovering one another that matters. nothing else matters. if i were to die tonight, i can go peacefully. because i know i have done my best and there can be no regrets.

when i think back to all the times when i’ve felt so crap, it all boils down to the expectations of ppl. my parents gave me a hard time by expecting so much of me, just because my sister constantly touched the sky. closest friends hardly appreciate the crap i would go through for them, if only just to raise a little smile on their faces. women expect me to climb the mountains and swim the seas for them, but always looking for me to scale greater heights after all that. i can never do enough. sometimes, i wonder what this life is for.

i grow up picturing those picket fences, just a simple life with my family and i. just being happy laying down under the sun, with a wife, and kids running around actively. and i guess i’ve always worked towards that. now…i’m turning 23. and i still want to work towards that. i don’t know how long has it been since i did something for myself. to make myself happy. in the present. all i think about is saving money for the future. i keep losing hold of the present. i feel so tired. the picture of picket fences and family is slowly fading. the desire lessens. and my body giving up.

last week or so, my doctor diagnosed me with fibromyalgia. a condition possibly caused by stress. now…let me share a little with you about my medical history. i’ve suffered migraines. due to stress. difficulty breathing. due to stress. insomnia. due to stress. now this. a common denominator perhaps? am i being emotionally unstable if i react to certain circumstances? would it be that if i am also physically enduring torture due to stress? ever since i have learnt the word ’stress’, i’ve never stopped feeling it.

and you know what the funny thing is? those who are closest to me, the best friends, the family, the women, they have been the ones who imposed, and continue to impose, the most stress on me. i thought if you really cared about me, you should care about how i’m feeling. my pain is not just psychological or emotional, it is physical too. how do i rid myself of the stressors? get rid of family? get rid of friends? i never consider this as a solution. never did. probably never will. i always wish to face issues head on. but unfortunately, the other party rarely agrees to the same methodology. not everyone look at the world with the same eyes as you, remember?

ahhh..the fool that is me. the past few years…it’s made me feel like…i am so accustomed to being in the doldrums. that when i get some joy, i’m afraid to let it out for ppl to know. so afraid that i will jinx it and make it go away. so afraid to lose the good things by sharing it with others. that’s why i normally only complain in here, rarely sharing the good news. stupid? of course. but that’s been the theme of my life thus far. they say your life is in your hands to shape. i believe that. or believed anyway. thing is, however you want to shape your life, there will always be outside influences that will turn your direction on its head. just like an economic model. you can’t just look at a close economy and say ‘ok, we remove all external factors, then the model will cause A and B to happen.’ because the fact is, removing external factors will render the model useless in the real world. do you get what i mean? you probably don’t. ha..

when i was in kl, i was packing my things in my room for the impending house move. i had dug up a lot of things from my past. things that i had kept even till now. right from the things relating to mei seen, then to yi wei, then to nat. all these things, tiny little things that used to matter so much to me, i have kept till now. and as i found more and more of these things, i decided to move away from that. i chucked away most of the things. all these people who used to mean so much to me, and all these people who then slowly left my life, all have the slightest idea how much i cared, how much effort i put in, how much time i spent just thinking and hoping they are fine. now, as i move on, i am afraid that it will be another same old story. so fearful that it will turn out to be just an unappreciative a person, or just as clueless as to how much i’d give for a smile in my direction. funny then that i’m even here typing because it is that another miniscule matter in my eyes that has caused the hurricane to hit.

you only want to be with someone if that person brings you joy and comfort, peace and companionship, laughter and contentment. in truth, we’re always searching for these features to be in our lives. for if we can achieve all that, then life has a meaning. there is a reason to live. so if you think you can get that from someone you’re with, then you should put in your effort and try to give the same things to the other.

when i was younger, i used to think, alright. this is me. i’m not gonna change for anybody. and if i’m gonna be with someone, she’s gotta accept me for me and don’t expect me to change. but as i mature and go through some experiences, i realise that just wouldn’t work. in truth, the significant other would always want to make us a better person. not just so that he/she gets to benefit out of the changes you make, but also the satisfaction that he/she is able to spur you on to improvement by giving you inspiration and drive.

so now i think, well…to be with another person, you will always have to change certain characteristics of your behaviour to complement the other. you’ve gotta want to make the change to make things work between the both of you. and you should never say ‘forget it. this is me. it’s either you accept it, or you bugger off.’ cos in truth, if you’re going to maintain that stance, all those joy, comfort, peace, companionship, laughter and contentment would not be achieved. they will always remain out of your grasps if you are unwilling to compromise. chinese people always say it’s hard to live under the same roof as another. so if you can’t even live with the other in a different roof, then what chance have you of touching bliss when you are under a same roof?

so…gonna probably be going back next weekend. though hopefully i can postpone it to the weekend after. so…just gotta see on the decisive factor which is a court hearing for my application to get refund on property bought under my name. long story, but basically i may have to be there to collect a large some of money. so i shall be going back for sure. haha

back and shoulder is still as bad as before. not much improvement. have stopped seeing my physio. not sure if i should continue to try that. seems to be taking up too much time and too many days of mc to do that. so…may not be the ideal thing to do. speaking of which, i should probably arrange another session soon. shall go set reminder now.

ok done. now now..what else is there to talk about. probably not much. bday’s coming up soon. and again, look back to the past year. last year, i spent my bday working, then having dinner with parents at clark quay. then going home, shower, then sleeping. so…not exactly a fun one. though i remember dinner to be good. nevertheless, hoping this year will be more exciting. seems strange to look forward to it since it’s almost another 3 weeks away. but then again, does seem quite soon. haha

why am i so happy? well….it’s mostly borne out of frustration from certain scouse fans that annoy the life out of me. i mean..these ppl are just…hmmm..what’s that word….PRICKS. yes. these pricks. nevermind then. from this game, the satisfaction is deep. for i have also won a 50 sgd bet with my director. and united’s closer to winning the league. and pushed me towards winning another bet. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….the satisfaction i get after years of suffering. YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!