back from work…
…on tuesday evening. last weekend, my parents came to visit from kl. it all went relatively well until last night, a day after they left. i won’t go into detail on it but let’s just say it is not what happened but it is what it symbolises that made me upset again. i hate it when i get upset. and even more so when it’s about my parents, my family, or a girl.
i suppose i’m not a very forgiving person. things that happen ions ago, i won’t be able to forget no matter how much i wish to. and so sometimes i don’t let go the feeling of pain, disappointment or regret. i wish so much to let go but guess there’s a part of me that just holds onto it. i suppose it doesn’t really reflect very well on me but this is a weakness of mine.
argh. my life is so frustrating. today lin aun mentioned that everyone has problems in their lives and it is about how you handle them that matters. and i absolutely agree. but i guess at times i just get so frustrated on several fronts that just makes me want to give up on life altogether. i know, i know. it’s crazy. and i would not do it cos if i was weak enough to succumb to that, it would have happened long ago. haha
nevertheless, i guess i’m here cos i just gotta speak out somewhere and this is an outlet. and i just gotta say i hate it when i get angry at my family cos i wish so much to be a good son and brother but it gets hard when i’m backed into a corner. ppl never understand that i’m better making decisions and carrying out instructions/tasks when a softer touch is used, as opposed to threats or commands. and perhaps more disappointing that my very own parents never understood that until it was too late. too late. is it really too late? argh.. i hope not. i wish i could let all these problems go. sigh..
oh…and i’ve been told recently that i sigh too much and so loudly. i’ve been doing it unknowingly. but now i notice. it’s not intentional. but it’s a relief to do it. it’s like a pressure valve here. sometimes when i feel the stress or pressure, a sigh relieves some of the pressure. if i didn’t sigh, i’d probably implode. and the pain on my shoulders and back have been gradually getting more and more intense. had an x ray, saw 2 physios and 3 docs. they can’t find the cause of the pain. sometimes i think to myself, this may be down to personal stress or frustrations. sometimes i think those emotional burdens i carry lays directly on my shoulders, causing me to feel the pain now. or am i just being imaginative again? hah…
