in an effort to be upbeat…
…about positively nothing about at this moment in time, i have decided to come here to attempt to think of happy thoughts. of course it’s not working particularly well as even my breathing has gone dodgy again with all the stress. but let’s try.
when i was in manchester, i took anti depressants. they were to help me sleep better, hopefully give me less migraines, and hopefully cure my breathing problem. yes, all that due to stress. and i remember aldrian warning me not to rely too much on it. he said if i’m too used to it, i could get hooked. then later on, due to much encouragement from dear ol’ natalie, i decided to stop taking them.
now as i face the same kinds of symptoms again, i think back to how those tiny little white pills helped me search some kinda…peace? i guess aldrian was right that i would get hooked. i haven’t taken them for over a year now, but they seem very appealing to me right now. haha plus this time, i have the added trouble of an increasingly painful back and shoulders. the need for me to send out about 3000+ letters by monday is making it worse. keep doing the repetitive work of pasting labels, photocopying letters, and folding them. wah damn freaking stress…
oppssss…primary objective of looking for something to be upbeat about has failed thus far. haha well…there is one positive. have made friends with ashley, the new colleague at office. just too bad she’s going to hong kong soon. pretty fun person to chat with, but extremely dangerous. she sabo me to perform as a cross dresser for my company’s annual dinner and dance. wah lagi stress… hahaha think it’s just a joke. better not materialise. i would rather give up…errr….chocolate milk forever than to do that. hahaha
ok…still don’t have any real positives to take out of today, or of recent times. so let me share a thought with you i had this afternoon. i have a colleague. his name is kum tin. he’s one of the closer friends i’ve got here in singapore. he sits next to me and i’ve got several jobs with him. he has resigned from my company. today, as i was feeling really crappy and stressed out, i took a back seat and looked at him going about his things. he looked happy and excited to be leaving the firm soon. and then i think to how i always just turn my head to the left and talk to him. chat with him. talk about football. share jokes. anecdotes. the bunch. how if i feel like shit, i just have to turn to my left and chat with him. and that he’s leaving soon makes me wish he won’t. or at least makes me wish i could just tender just like him. honestly, if it weren’t for my responsibility and commitment to myself, i would probably have thrown in my very own letter already.
some days, for certain reasons, the office is just an absolutely unbearable place to be. if weren’t for the foundation i’m trying to build for my career, i would probably be gone in a month’s time. however, responsibility means i have to stay here. responsibility means i have to stay in singapore. responsibility means i have to stay alive. last night, i told agnes that sometimes the temptation of giving up is overwhelming. she told me that in her eyes, i’m a fighter. i shouldn’t give up. you damn right i’m a fighter. i don’t remember anything i’ve ever gotten out of life that hasn’t come from working hard, putting my best foot forward, and not giving up. perhaps i just wonder sometimes what is the purpose of me trying so hard. what is the purpose of me trying to be the best that i can be for the important people in my life. what is the purpose of me aiming high. what is the purpose of me planning for the future. what is the purpose of me wasting the earth’s oxygen supply by being alive. haha mei seen said some of her friends seem suicidal. i think it’s time to add me in that list. hahaha oh well…life’s just like that isn’t it? the best things in life are unfortunately the ones that are furthest away from your reach…
November 2nd, 2006 at 7:56 am
eh budak you jangan ingat ini dunia hitam sanagat la.. i also have that feeling of resigning when i see people ciao, it’s a little depressing sometmes..
i do feel lost too sometimes.. or well most of the time.. haha
i guess we are all lost souls..
November 3rd, 2006 at 6:55 am
hey, saya (saw comments from yr frens with malay words, so, trying to blend in too, ha ha) am responsible for making you work thr the 3000+ letters. sorry! shd have let me know if u needed help. anyway i guess is quite useless to say anything now. thanks for the hard work.