Ching Szuen

anyway…i played football today. was a good session. ran a lot again. but on 1 attack, i dribbled to the edge then put a cross in, and i fell and hit my knee against a steel bar. it didn’t hurt so much earlier. it didn’t hurt when i got back. but now it’s freaking swolen and hurting so much. hahaha i think the adrenalin got me through earlier but now that i’ve settled down…OUCHHHHHH! could barely walk. football today was so-so. tried to be too fancy. so didn’t get to score too many. good fun anyway. may become a weekly thing from now on in my effort to lose weight. things have been said to me. hahaha

nothing much to say about today cos i was given that URGH news in the morning and it sorta stuck in my mind all day long. URGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! oh wait. there’s 1 thing i remembered. on my way back from football, my colleague was talking to his friend in the car about holiday places and…well…sex. this colleague had only just came back from bangkok so the main topic was bangkok. and how you can have loads and loads of sex there. i wonder if he was speaking from personal experience. but his friend was. telling us stories of how he used to go there and just get laid again and again. even after he was married, me thinks.

ahhh..the end of year. the festive season. the time of the year whereby you look back to the year gone by and what you have achieved. what you have done, the goals you reached and the milestones you passed. and the time you look forward to the new year, making resolutions, hoping for the future, planning for the future, setting targets, and striving to reach them. well..this is what it is to me anyway.

so today i’m sitting here, pondering upon the past year and the one ahead, i realise that i spend 90% of the time planning and hoping my dreams would come true. i guess that’s what’s been keeping me going. i suppose that’s why i always try and give everything my best shot. that’s why i refuse to give up. hmmm…

so..seems a bit early to do this but…what have i achieved this past year? well…firstly, it’s making the move to singapore. really, the whole uk experience traumatised me a little. but i’m glad i made this move. it was good for my career, good for me, and i’ve met wonderful people. yes, most of the time i feel like URGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, but pain builds character eh?

what else? learning. learning about life. learning about work. learning from the past. we never stop learning, do we? i guess i could say that i’m a better man than i was 1 year back. perhaps having found the motivation in my life, i’ve been able to give my absolute best effort in many things i do. and that’s just helped me progress.

actually, i’m not in ‘that’ position ‘again’. i’ve never been in this position before. still learning about life eh? end of year…this is meant to be joyful times. why is it not? why does everything i look forward to falls apart so damn often? you know what the best part is? i was so not looking forward to today this morning, plus all the annoying people in the mrt train, and hating my life and every aspect of it, i thought of killing myself and taking everyone in the whole train along with me. yup. me. ching szuen. thought of killing everyone and myself. hah. i guess people change huh? i just wonder if the police will put me to jail if they read this. hahaha life…

ever since i came to singapore, i’ve been so annoyed with so many random people in the streets. why? because it seems like common courtesy or the concept of being polite is lost on 75% of the people in singapore! i don’t care if any singaporean is reading this or not, but this is FACT! ok…maybe not the statistic of ‘75%’, but it is true that sometimes courtesy is just non-existent here!

i take the mrt, the most convenient form of public transport here, all the time. and the seats are almost always taken up. and everyone who sits down is either falling asleep, playing psp, listening to music or reading the newspaper. and when an elderly person walks into the train, everyone seems to raise their heads to see who entered, then just proceed to continue what they’re doing. nobody bothers to offer their seats! same thing when it’s a handicapped person. nobody! or a pregnant lady! god it makes my blood boil! i’ve taken the mrt hundreds of times. i have seen this common courtesy of ‘giving up your seat to someone who needs it more’ being upheld no more than 10 times.

i will never forget one incident when i was in the train. an old lady walked into the train. everyone looked at her, and did not offer their seats. i was so pissed off. practically cursing at them in my heart. and when 1 passenger left his seat, she finally took a seat. then the next station, a handicapped man on crutches walked onto the train. again, same thing happened! NOBODY OFFERED HIM A SEAT! and all the people besides that old lady are youths! the old lady, seeing this, offered this handicapped man her seat. he said no it’s ok. she said don’t worry, i’m leaving on the next stop. WHAT’S WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!? do they not teach manners to the youths?!?!?!??

well…being a malaysian, i cannot condemn singaporeans for their courtesy virtues cos let’s face it, malaysians in general are just as bad, if not worse. i suppose i only really begin to see this since i’ve started taking the public transport in this region. i hate society. i really do. persons on their own is normally fine. but you put all these people together, and chaos ensues. all these…ideas and thoughts put into the minds of people because ’society disagrees’. what a load of crap!

why do women in general really cannot go out with a younger man? what really is the issue here? i would blame that on society. because society says an older woman out with a younger man is ‘weird’. or ‘unnatural’. or ‘unacceptable’. who created these ideas? who made these ‘rules’? do women question ‘why’ before just accepting this? no. because the eyes of the society on her is such an important issue. because what other people think of her is important to her image. yes, i hate society. society imposes an unnecessary ‘rule’ as to how ppl ’should’ live. some things are, granted, ‘wrong’. or ’shouldn’t’ be done. but others, man oh man…all i gotta say is…please question some things instead of just accepting it all. we’re not robots. we hold the key to our own lives and destinies. we do not need to live our lives based on what society demands. we control ourselves what we do.

hmm..not too many things to talk about here. had the best 3 days from monday till today since something like..3 weeks back? before, i had my motivation and energy sapped, wondering what the hell am i doing with my life, what’s going on, how can i achieve a better quality of life. but i guess the past 3 days have helped me regain some momentum, re-energise me, and gave me extra motivation.

ermmm…gonna be moving office in a month’s time. everyone in the office is busy packing up files and what not. today was also kum tin’s last day at the office. will be extremely strange not to see him. from the first day i’ve joined EY, i was told by a lady in HR to look for a certain mr chee kum tin. since then, he has done nothing but guide me, help me, teach me, and befriend me. what a wonderful colleague and friend he has been. and it is with a heavy heart that i left the office today while seeing him still hard at work as he’s ever been. life will not be the same without this buddy but i guess we’ve all got to move on. just wish he’ll be able to find something he’s passionate about and be happy doing it.

oh well…nothing much i can do now that i’ve committed myself to the cause i suppose. one can only wonder how long i can last before caving. haha today, during football, i was very off form. scored a few goals but generally my touch deserted me. too tired from watching football last night. had slept at 330am to watch united play. hahaha oh well…united all the way!!

hmm…lately been getting lotsa random calls and texts on my mobile. what the hell is wrong with all these ppl?!? and the thing about these random calls and texts is that they’re all from foreign ppl who can’t speak english well. starting to wonder if someone gave the foreign workers from work my number. and they’re harrassing me. it’s starting to get annoying. sometimes i wish these annoying ppl would just like…die. like…leave me alone. go away. stop making me wanna pull my hair out. urgh…. i’m so sick of this kinda life..

i think this saver side of me is down to my father. even since i was young, my dad was always the one who saved the cash. he doesn’t spend much on himself. and all his money went to buying things for my mom and for the family. i guess my dad’s the saver, and my mom the spender. so i guess since young, i had a perception that the male should save for the female to spend. and i haven’t been able to shake loose of that idea. haha

i think i’m a conservative kind of man. also maybe the more egoistic kinda man. i wanna be the one supporting the other. the one paying the bills. the one in charge. i mean…yes…the world has changed. and the roles of the male and female has evolved greatly through the years, but i guess the sentimental side of me feels that there are some things that the male should do, and some the female should do. and these things should remain that way, even if yes, we should judge each individual and case separately. so i guess what i’m saying is that the one who should be worrying about bringing the bread home should be the male, hence the need to maybe have a good balance of taking some risks in investments and saving a good amount.

when i was in manchester, i took anti depressants. they were to help me sleep better, hopefully give me less migraines, and hopefully cure my breathing problem. yes, all that due to stress. and i remember aldrian warning me not to rely too much on it. he said if i’m too used to it, i could get hooked. then later on, due to much encouragement from dear ol’ natalie, i decided to stop taking them.

now as i face the same kinds of symptoms again, i think back to how those tiny little white pills helped me search some kinda…peace? i guess aldrian was right that i would get hooked. i haven’t taken them for over a year now, but they seem very appealing to me right now. haha plus this time, i have the added trouble of an increasingly painful back and shoulders. the need for me to send out about 3000+ letters by monday is making it worse. keep doing the repetitive work of pasting labels, photocopying letters, and folding them. wah damn freaking stress…

oppssss…primary objective of looking for something to be upbeat about has failed thus far. haha well…there is one positive. have made friends with ashley, the new colleague at office. just too bad she’s going to hong kong soon. pretty fun person to chat with, but extremely dangerous. she sabo me to perform as a cross dresser for my company’s annual dinner and dance. wah lagi stress… hahaha think it’s just a joke. better not materialise. i would rather give up…errr….chocolate milk forever than to do that. hahaha

ok…still don’t have any real positives to take out of today, or of recent times. so let me share a thought with you i had this afternoon. i have a colleague. his name is kum tin. he’s one of the closer friends i’ve got here in singapore. he sits next to me and i’ve got several jobs with him. he has resigned from my company. today, as i was feeling really crappy and stressed out, i took a back seat and looked at him going about his things. he looked happy and excited to be leaving the firm soon. and then i think to how i always just turn my head to the left and talk to him. chat with him. talk about football. share jokes. anecdotes. the bunch. how if i feel like shit, i just have to turn to my left and chat with him. and that he’s leaving soon makes me wish he won’t. or at least makes me wish i could just tender just like him. honestly, if it weren’t for my responsibility and commitment to myself, i would probably have thrown in my very own letter already.

today had lunch appointment with sze jean. she knows of the dark periods of my life when i had to succumb to anti-depressant pills. and though currently i feel just as crap as back then, if not worse, she could not tell. i told her i’m at the end of my spectrum in attempting to cope, but she said ‘eh, but you look fine what!’ acting fine has officially gone back up. hahaha now let’s see how long i can last trying to pretend the world’s a jolly old place. good jobbbbbbbbbbbbbb.