…life is about choices. or is it really? well…i suppose mostly life is about making decisions, making choices, opting which path to take. during the weekend when i was back in kl driving around, i was thinking about life. my life. i figured, hey, life is like driving a car. when you’re controlling the stering wheel, you are deciding which roads to take, which turns to take. route 1, 2 or 3? it’s your choice when you’re on the wheel. you can pick any road you want to get onto. sometimes you pick a route that may be long, but the traffic is good. or the quickest route, but you face the typical kl jam. my point is you could plan all you want, but you wouldn’t know which is the best route until you finally take it.
and how about planning your route, and planning to take a certain turn. and an onrushing car hits you head on? through no fault of your own, you’re in an accident. you move only when the traffic light is green. but the other car hits you anyway. you have planned your route as best you can, but an outside influence means that whatever you planned, you won’t be reaching your destination.
how about when you’re not on the steering wheel? someone else is driving you around. you don’t have a say as to where you’re going. which route you’re taking? would you have a control over it? no, you’re just riding along. you’re in the passenger seat. you don’t have a control over your destination. nor the journey to your destination.
ah. life is a bit like that ain’t it? you could plan all you want. you may not get the outcome you planned. and though you’re driving through your life, thinking you’re in control, 1 second of madness from an outside influence may mean the end of your life. yes. i can make all the decisions i want about my own life. but what can i do about these ‘outside influences’ or ‘accidents’? nothing. how about the helpless feeling of wanting to reach a certain destination but not given the choice? how about when you’re on the passenger seat, and the driver says ‘i’m turning left’, there’s no point with you saying ‘i want to turn right’. ahhh…life…
this goes way back to over a year ago when i said that people make decisions without bothering how it affects others’ lives. do they need to consider? no. must they accomodate? no. should they think twice? yes, please. whatever decisions the other person may make, i can respect. i can try to understand the best i can. but could you, would you, try to consider if i deserve a harsh or difficult kind of ‘outside influence’?
thing is, through my whole life, i don’t think i have wronged too many people. i have always tried to be tactful. i always try to consider the many other views of others. i try to treat people as sincerely as i can. i try to be as helpful and honest as i can. i am by no means an angel. but sometimes i wonder where does my happiness lie. do i not deserve continuous moments of joy? or at least do i not deserve less disappointments and sadness? i have lived in kl, manchester, a short while in london and now i’m in singapore. i continually wonder if i will get my happiness. i keep searching, one place to another.
maybe i expect a lot. maybe not. i’m not sure the reason for my existence. perhaps i have not learnt despite being burnt so many times. sometimes i get so tired. it’s like i’m fighting against gravity. gravity, it’s working against me. gravity, wants to bring me down.
after the past few years of sorrow, i now tell myself i shall just live for the moment. and try the best i can to be grateful for whatever i can get. i try my best to say thank you lord, for through the darkest periods in my life, i’m still breathing now. sometimes, it’s hard to be grateful and ‘happy’ and cheerful when i’m fighting against gravity. there were few times when i felt perhaps i wouldn’t be able to find my real joy in life. those times when i felt like giving up on life. but i know i deserve better. i refuse to give up. i know i deserve better than i’ve gotten out of life. lately i keep getting told life owes me nothing. yes. you’re right. i am the one owing myself happiness. however ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ anything may be, i will not give up on my happiness. i will not give up without a fight. and yes, i fight real hard. real real hard.
