it’s sunday afternoon…
…and i’m at home. my parents are here for the weekend but i feel very alone. it’s a strange thing. all my life, i’ve never felt like i belonged. home doesn’t feel like home. i think from a very tender age, i’ve had to learn much about independence. i’ve had to learn to be on my own cos it seems like i’ve lacked a shoulder to lean on. i’ve never really had a person who is a constant pillar of strength that i can count on.
maybe that kinda inadequacy has prompted me to search for my own love and to build my own family. that kinda inadequacy made me want to grow up quicker and to fill the missing gaps. maybe that has made me go about relationships and feelings towards others the wrong way. maybe that just made me more eager to put in the extra effort to set things right. maybe that just made me want to let my feelings be very clearly known cos i don’t want the other to forget what they mean to me. it’s important they fully know how much i care.
it seems like it’s quite easy to deduce why all these things are apparent in me. my parents never paid much attention to me as a kid. put little effort in asking me bout my day or school or friends. they hardly told me they loved me, instead choosing to spend more time concentrating on scolding me or telling me how my sister is so much better than i am. heck, there was a period of roughly 6 months when my
parents didn’t even realise they hadn’t given me any allowance at all.
and i was living on my savings from chinese new year till i was down to
the last 10 bucks before asking for money. and all cos they were too
busy at work, i couldn’t talk to them, and i didn’t wanna bother them. no, i never felt like i belonged.
and now all those difficult times during the childhood when i’ve lived under a shadow in solitude, they’re coming back to haunt me. and they’re manifesting into new problems for me. like putting in too much effort and thought? like letting my feelings be known a little too well? ahhh..i’m a little messed up aren’t i? haha in my quest to be the best that i can, i crossed the line and went over to ‘trying too hard’. in my quest to feel like i belong, i only succeed in pushing the people i care most further and further away. i feel so stupid and i try to twist and turn to shape myself the way people want me to be. but perhaps people just never fully understood me, or didn’t try to understand me.
one way or another, i have much to learn yet about how to be a better man for another person. and of course, i’m very much eager to be good at that. but for now, in my lonesome state once more, i shall just reminisce a little and hope the future holds a better promise than the past has done. afterall, it can’t get more draining than it is in the present, can it?
