Ching Szuen

the other night i was talking to a colleague about how we’ve gone through the times whereby you drink so much, that you puke and puke and puke, and you get a massive hangover, and you lose appetite and everything that goes into your mouth, comes right back out and you promise to yourself ‘no, i’m not gonna drink this much anymore cos this is just not worth it’. and the weekend after, you’re back at the bar, at the top of your lungs, screaming for more tequila shots. it’s very much a case of you knowing that at the end of it you’ll suffer so badly, but the process of getting there is so much fun, you’ll disregard the consequences and go ahead with it. and even though you swear you’ll be more careful about how much you drink next time, you’ll still go ahead and have that drink. why do we do that? because the journey of getting there allows you to feel joy, feel the happiness, the feeling of letting your fears drift away while you’re living in the moment. yes, the end of it may be pain, may be torture, but at least you’ll be safe in the knowledge that you tasted the good times, you lived your life.

i think that applies to me. not just with the drinks. but also the selection of ladies i fall for. just to set the records straight, i’ve only been knocked out twice before from the drinking binge, but that’s experience enough. my point is this. i started by having the biggest of crushes for a girl i still keep in close contact with from my school days. she has, without doubt, one of the best personalities of all the people i have come across with in my life. i never got together with her, but that feeling lasted for over 2 years. and then i had my first gf. it was fun, it was nice, but in the end it came to an abrupt close. just when i needed her most, she left. that was over a year. moving on, i had the most bizarre and tumultuous 2 years plus being in love with a girl who i just didn’t (and still don’t) understand why i fell for. on better days, we did plenty to resemble a comfortable company for one another. the worse days were…well…they leave me speechless. i remember her telling me one day after a year of abuse and difficulties, ‘my resolution this year is to treat you better’. you’ve no idea how glad i was to hear that. but it wasn’t to be.

so what really is my point, you ask? well…through all those years, each time i would say to myself, with more and more determination as the days go by, i would be really careful who i’ll fall for next. i will be sceptical. i will scrutinise. i will not simply take a chance just cos ‘i feel something’. i will resist. i will not let myself be open to another similar situation as i had endured for the past 3 years almost. i will not allow myself to be in love with someone from the side, to be vulnerable to her attempts to strike me where it hurts. i will be sure. i will be in command. i will take charge. and i will not let myself suffer another attack telling me i’m not good enough. this person, i tell myself, must be worth the amount of energy, effort, time and emotions that i put into anyone i feel for wholeheartedly. this person must not make me regret putting in all of myself and more into just another opportunity to make her happy. to make her smile. then…maybe then…i could take that chance and let myself fall freely into this stupid thing called love.