Ching Szuen

well…why do i sense it will be the most challenging period? hmm…because it’s a little of a sixth sense. and a little of experience. the past has taught me that when i am in the situation i’m in, i will start to endure a difficult time. i must point out though, that sometimes i tend to over-analyse things. so i may be worried about nothing afterall. so…we shall be patient and wait and see.

and talking about patience. if the past has taught me anything, it is that when faced with this situation, i should be patient. see, since young, i always felt that i have to take the initiative when faced with challenges. should always take the step forward and try to mend situations as soon as possible, as best as possible. but history taught me that whenever i take that step forward, i tend to ruin them more. and then the more it’s ruined, the more i wanna try to mend it, and the worse it gets. haha what an idiot i am. so…all i can do now based on experience, is to try my best to fight my instincts and just sit back. be patient. just wait and hope that when the dusts settle, the picture becomes clearer, then a resolution can be reached. and hopefully the resolution will be a happy one.

and all at the same time, i am grateful. i am grateful that i have been given the chance to even be facing these testing times. i am grateful for the better times i have tasted. it is unfortunate to be right in the middle of a difficult situation, but i can only look to the good times and be glad i was there.

so as usual, let’s start from friday night. friday night i worked till late. sounds gross, but then in the end, i had a happy night. so i guess that’s all to say about friday. hahahhaa onto saturday then. met up with she-beaver. i made too many perverted jokes with her. she told beaver about them. and even made some up just to annoy beaver more. now my nipples are in danger of being pinched off my chest the next time i meet beaver. quite scared. yet quite excited by the prospect of him touching me. mmmmmmmmmmmmm. i hope i scare you enough for you to stay away from my nipples. hahhaha had lunch and went shopping with she-beaver. didn’t buy much. she was helping me pick things. got no choice but to listen to her suggestions. cos she’s too noisy. hahahha

anyway, today i found out that about 80% of my time from now till year end will be spent at client’s in jurong. and you know what? it’s real good learning experience for me. would certainly stand me in good stead for quicker progression. but it also SUCKSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. cos i like staying in the office. i mean, yes, at client’s i can go into office later, eat free food, have tea breaks, take cabs there and back. these all mean there are virtually no expenses incurred on my end. but that’s scant consolation for me wanting to stay in the office. boohoohoo. i guess i gotta sacrifice a little to learn more eh? sigh…how tough is it to be a man? brrrr…

today, haven’t done anything besides lunch, grocery shopping, some houseworks and watching some tv. what an unproductive day. let’s rewind to 2 days back for some more interesting news. friday night i went to MOS. that’s ministry of sound. not measurement of success. not mos burger.not anything else. ministry of sound. ok? ok. it was, i must say, quite a good night. at least it was great as compared to the whole day i had before that. i don’t know why for friday nights to be good, the days have to suck. but i guess i’ll gladly accept that. so it’s fine. anyway, MOS was pretty interesting. many rooms with different themes. was my first time. so a bit jakun.

yesterday, had a footie tournament. i have been looking forward to it since 2 weeks back when i posted that entry on 3 September saying that i had that good news at the end of the night. so…finally the day had arrived. to cut the long story short about the tourney, i had a crappy tournament. failed to score this time round and it was disappointing. missed a couple of half chances. got cramps on both calves in the semifinal. and team crashed out in that very semifinal on penalties. you know what was so crappy about the exit? 2 things. 1 is that the captain didn’t inform us 10 mins before the game that it was about to start, so we didn’t do any stretching or warm ups. which ultimately led to my cramping up, and missing virtually the entire game. 2 is that we lost on penalties. how idiotic can these players be? how idiotic can this team be? how idiotic can the freaking captain be? i don’t like to blame people cos it’s done and dusted but i don’t like to lose on something i felt can be prevented.

the other night i was talking to a colleague about how we’ve gone through the times whereby you drink so much, that you puke and puke and puke, and you get a massive hangover, and you lose appetite and everything that goes into your mouth, comes right back out and you promise to yourself ‘no, i’m not gonna drink this much anymore cos this is just not worth it’. and the weekend after, you’re back at the bar, at the top of your lungs, screaming for more tequila shots. it’s very much a case of you knowing that at the end of it you’ll suffer so badly, but the process of getting there is so much fun, you’ll disregard the consequences and go ahead with it. and even though you swear you’ll be more careful about how much you drink next time, you’ll still go ahead and have that drink. why do we do that? because the journey of getting there allows you to feel joy, feel the happiness, the feeling of letting your fears drift away while you’re living in the moment. yes, the end of it may be pain, may be torture, but at least you’ll be safe in the knowledge that you tasted the good times, you lived your life.

i think that applies to me. not just with the drinks. but also the selection of ladies i fall for. just to set the records straight, i’ve only been knocked out twice before from the drinking binge, but that’s experience enough. my point is this. i started by having the biggest of crushes for a girl i still keep in close contact with from my school days. she has, without doubt, one of the best personalities of all the people i have come across with in my life. i never got together with her, but that feeling lasted for over 2 years. and then i had my first gf. it was fun, it was nice, but in the end it came to an abrupt close. just when i needed her most, she left. that was over a year. moving on, i had the most bizarre and tumultuous 2 years plus being in love with a girl who i just didn’t (and still don’t) understand why i fell for. on better days, we did plenty to resemble a comfortable company for one another. the worse days were…well…they leave me speechless. i remember her telling me one day after a year of abuse and difficulties, ‘my resolution this year is to treat you better’. you’ve no idea how glad i was to hear that. but it wasn’t to be.

so what really is my point, you ask? well…through all those years, each time i would say to myself, with more and more determination as the days go by, i would be really careful who i’ll fall for next. i will be sceptical. i will scrutinise. i will not simply take a chance just cos ‘i feel something’. i will resist. i will not let myself be open to another similar situation as i had endured for the past 3 years almost. i will not allow myself to be in love with someone from the side, to be vulnerable to her attempts to strike me where it hurts. i will be sure. i will be in command. i will take charge. and i will not let myself suffer another attack telling me i’m not good enough. this person, i tell myself, must be worth the amount of energy, effort, time and emotions that i put into anyone i feel for wholeheartedly. this person must not make me regret putting in all of myself and more into just another opportunity to make her happy. to make her smile. then…maybe then…i could take that chance and let myself fall freely into this stupid thing called love.

and then of course there’s the whole pain of seeing them just virtually disappear from your life, knowing that he’s so far away from you, you’d be lucky to be able to meet up with him once every 6 months. if you’re in love with him, you’d surely give them both your blessings and wish them all the best, but will you able to see them walk the aisle while you’re looking on from the sidelines?

my thought is that i can’t. i am not good enough at pretending like i don’t care. i am not good enough at acting like the world is all bright and breezy. that said, i may be able to do it when the time comes. maybe not. i don’t know. but i would rather not spend another second contemplating what i’d do. so…just food for thought i guess…

ended up sleeping at bout 2+. but couldn’t really sleep well again. woke up several times again. and ended up getting only bout 5 hours of sleep. which didn’t bode well for the football match i was due to have later that saturday. anyway, on to the football. it was a 10 a side game cos we didn’t have enough players. but heck it, still went on. started off quite well when i scored after bout 20+ mins with a chip over the keeper after he went down making a save. bout 10 mins later, it all went so so wrong when the opposition scored 4 goals in roughly 5 crazy minutes. then the half time whistle blew.

i started the second half as a centre-back cos we were letting in soft goals. we fought back and pulled the score back to 4-4. but eventually lost 5-4 to a late goal. wasn’t great to play a whole half as centre-back but it was a good workout. the down side is that i got bad blisters on both heels which is stinging me till now. probably because i played footie this morning too. hahaha

anyway, after football yesterday, proceeded to meet up with aldrian, mei mei, joe, and a few other ppl. had dinner at this restaurant at takashimaya called sanyu, or something like that. it’s indon food. pretty good though i didn’t eat much. don’t normally have appettite right after sports.

after dinner, we all went to night safari. haha it wasn’t anything too special but quite nice i guess. haven’t been there for like a decade or something. so that was quite fun. i have a theory that the animals are all actually robots. cos they never seem to pay attention to us when we walk past, or when a tram drives past. they just eat or sleep or run around in circles. therefore, they must be battery operated. there’s no other explanation as to why they just keep staying in the spotlight.

and then after all that, i came home to watch footie on telly. that was the best part of the day when i received a great news. that put a real big smile on my face, and i probably slept through the night like a baby with that smirk. haha