…in a man’s life when he has to be sure of what he wants out of life. i thought i knew. everything i’ve ever wanted, it’s improbable for me to get right now. sometimes i wonder why have i spent so much time in this place. this whole place of just sitting around, hoping that a miracle could happen, refusing to accept the fate that lies before me. i try, and i try, and i try, because i have always believed that if effort was put into a cause, even the improbable could be achieved. i always had a belief of attempting even if the odds are heavily stacked against me because as long as i try, the odds are not 100% against me. but as i continue to breathe heavily, my belief is gradually dwindling. as i continue to ponder, my strength is giving way. ‘as long as there’s a will, there’s a way’. that saying have somewhat messed up my life.
i guess i wouldn’t try constantly for the same thing if i didn’t feel so strongly about it. unfortunately, i often fail to see the correct moment to step aside, hold my hands up, and say ‘you win, i lose, i give up’. actually, the problem is not that. the problem is actually holding my hands up long enough and sticking to my intention of giving up because everytime i feel that way, i cave to the desires of the heart. funny then that i feel that way tonight, but fully aware of the fact that i may not feel that way come dawn. old habits die hard eh?
some of you who read may feel like i may be ranting on something not worth ranting on. well, i guess some people feel that way because you cannot understand my point of view. just like how i may not understand yours. despite my ‘tender’ years (according to my colleagues anyway), i have gone through many unfortunate events. while you may know little of my past, or my upbringing, you should appreciate that it has made me capture the cause and effects of trials and tribulations we may encounter in our lives. i think it speaks volumes just the fact that i am typing here, from a foreign land, after going through the drama of manchester. woman troubles? friendship troubles? break up? education crises? unemployment? monetary problems? family problems? health problems? death? i have faced all of these challenges. time and again. you just did not have an idea. i guess maybe this explains my need for constantly trying and not giving up. i know how does it feel to go through each problem. and i just don’t wanna feel the pains again. guess i make it hard for myself sometimes..
that’s probably it for now. so here’s the lyrics to the tune that’s been stuck in my head lately. man on the side, by john mayer…
six numbers, one more to dial
before I’m before you
I tried to call
been busy all night
gave up waiting at daylight
excuse me Mrs. Busybody
could you pencil me in when you can
though we both know that the worst part about it
is I would be free when you wanted me
if you wanted me
I am the man on the side
hoping you’ll make up your mind
I am the one who will swallow his pride
life as the man on the side
one of the many
one of the few
to stand back and wait for you
excuse me Mrs. Busybody
could you pencil me in when you can
though we both know that the worst part about it
is I would be free when you wanted me
if you wanted me, if you wanted me
I am the man on the side
hoping you’ll make up your mind
I am the one who will swallow his pride
Life as the man on the side
Life as the man on the side
I fell in love with the dream that I built of you
playing the part of the queen
taking my own advice
I’m giving up tonight
good luck to you and the king
excuse me Mrs. Busybody
could you pencil me in
though we both know that the worst part about it
is I would be free when you wanted me
if you wanted me, if you wanted me
I am the man on the side
hoping you’ll make up your mind
I am the one who will swallow his pride
life as the man
you know life as the man
living life as the man on the side
