Ching Szuen

…my blog sounds so depressing. i think i should change the aura of the site. don’t wanna make mei seen unhappy. so mei seen, this post is dedicated to you. tonight was the first time she said she is so in love with me. i’ve lost track how many times i’ve said that to her. but finally, she reciprocates. thank you mei! i love you too! hahahaha

and the best news of all, she said she might wanna come to work in singapore!!! woohoooooooo!! so ppl, if you know of any IT jobs open in singapore, be sure to drop me a line! GOOD JOB!

…this feeling. i’ve been banging on and on about. i don’t know how did i fall into this pit once more. when i was young, i liked this song called knife. it sings, ‘knife, cuts like a knife, how could i ever heal. i’m so deeply wounded.’ i guess as a kid, i never really bothered paying attention to the lyrics of songs. but now i know what he was singing about, what he meant by it.

i’m stupid. that we all know. i just didn’t know i was this stupid. how did i make the same mistake again? why did i even think this would be different? how could i have put myself in the pits again? surely i deserve better than that. you would think. apparently not. i don’t know why am i a toy once more. so nice to push, so nice to press, so nice to step on. nice guys finish last? that’s beginning to sound frustratingly true. do women just love playing me around? i guess you never needed to care how i feel. do you?

…about me making plans or thinking about the future? it is that nothing i plan, and nothing i think of about the future ever pens out to be the way it is in my mind. if anything, it’s always the opposite. if i picture something in my mind to be white, it’ll almost certainly be black. if it’s something tall, then surely it’ll turn to be short. i’m sure you get the drift.

and then i think, ok, i have had to deal with a lot of shit in my life. this or that, whatever it is. it seems like my luck is just amazingly crazy. i just can’t seem to catch a lucky break. just to put it into perspective, i missed my company’s bonus payout by 1 day. and there’s no way to give me a thousand bucks just cos i missed it by 1 day. but it’s ok. i persevere. i hang around. i fight and i fight and i fight some more for whatever i wish for, whatever i dream for in my life. but when can i have the light at the end of the tunnel? when may i have my very own happy ending? i don’t need a thousand bucks to make me happy. i just need to see there’s hope for me to catch just 1 break, just for a chance. and it doesn’t look like it’s anywhere near. it’s bleak. do i not deserve my very own happy ending?

…and another saturday. saturdays are quickly becoming a day i don’t like. strange as that sounds. but i have my own reasons. guess i’m strange anyway huh? hmm..

so…here i am again. at home. sitting on my chair. thinking of the same old things. and will probably drown my misery in drinking water and watching footie on telly. sad? extremely. sigh…

…is what is in my mind. i can’t think. my head is dizzy. my vision impaired. my heartbeat weakening. let’s listen to the song currently playing on my computer. it’s called ‘underneath’ by hanson…

Ooh- If only you could feel what I dream,

…i moved to a new flat in singapore. i have also moved to a new house in kl. so it’s double shifting. and i guess i hope it’s a double shift of fengshui or fortunes or whatever in hell that’s been making my life miserable. great.

so lemme see what has changed, and what haven’t. let’s start with what has changed. i’ve gotten a new table from ikea. and a chair too. at a combined cost of 124 bucks. everytime my parents come over to singapore, i get my wallet blown wide. so much for saving. haha oh. i’ve got double beds now in both singapore and kl. so that’s another change from the old single beds. and i afraid that’s about as interesting as it gets.

was about to save the post but i just heard something. it’s 1:27am now. i’ve been moving house and running round all day. but i can’t sleep cos as we all know by now, i have problem sleeping when i have things on my mind. so here i am. but guess what? my room now faces the train track! woohoo! i’m soooooooooooooooo gonna be awaken at awkward hours! see, i’m a really light sleeper. the slightest noise can wake me. so this whole ‘train running through the tracks really loudly at odd hours’ isn’t great for my sleeping. wonderful. more stress. yay.

…i guess tonight the wish is not happening. and if anything, it’s crushed. to pieces. it’s so painful, i can almost laugh. it’s been good. thanks for the ride. back down to the dumps i go. i can almost shoot myself. hmmm…

…another friday of making sure i have absolutely no plans in hope that one would miraculously pop up for me. but it was not to be. again. so here i am once more. talking to myself. hmmm… so many thoughts in my mind. so many things i wish could be different. so many times i’ve been to this state in the past few months.

so…here i am tonight…hoping for the same thing last week. it came true last week and i was ecstatic as hell…but what about tonight? hmmm….

…of paragraphs. then i scraped it. why? cos these days when i type, at some point i will turn speechless. i haven’t got anyone i can confide this to. it’s killing me from the inside. and it’s painful. and it’s even more painful that she thinks i’m confused. or blur. or unsure. it’s even more painful that she doubts. she doesn’t believe. she doesn’t trust. but it’s ok. because i will sit. and i will wait. for i believe.

would you even understand me if i said that some days, i feel like ripping my heart out, and putting it right there on the table, just to tell her, ‘look at this. i am perfectly honest with you. you give me absolutely no reason to deceive you. and it is bleeding so profusely for you, just waiting for you to make it beat again, for me to breathe again’. so i guess it’s back to the chair i go. where i will sit. and i will wait some more. even if it’s dreadfully eating my life away, i will continue to wait. because she is worth waiting for.

…strange day. i slept this morning bout 3am. and woke up several times throughout the ‘night’ till i eventually got up at 7am. it is one of those nights that i feel so so very tired. yawning and everything. but not actually sleepy. because there are thoughts in my mind. and if my night wasn’t enough, that feeling continued throughout the day. feelings of tiredness and even exhaustion at times, but not sleepy cos there’s just too much in the mind. up till now. do you understand what i mean?

Remember when, we never needed each other
The best of friends like
Sister and Brother
We understood, we’d never be,
Alone

Those days are gone, and I want you so much
The night is long and I need your touch
Don’t know what to say
I never meant to feel this way
Don’t want to be
Alone tonight

Chorus:
What can I do, to make you mine?
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

Ohhh, yeah, uh

I hear your voice
And I start to tremble
Brings back the child that, I resemble

I cannot pretend, that we can still be friends
Don’t want to be,
Alone tonight

Chorus:
What can I do, to make you mine?
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

Bridge:
Oh I want to say this right
And it has to be tonight
Just need you to know, oh yeah

I don’t want to live this life
I don’t want to say goodbye
With you I wanna spend
The rest of my life

Chorus:
What can I do, to make you mine?
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

What can I do, to make you mine?
Falling so hard so fast this time
Everything’s changed, we never knew

How did I fall, in love, with you?