Ching Szuen

…tell a person something that you feel without risking ruining what you already have? do you understand the feeling of wanting to just come out and say whatever that comes into mind, but you know that you can’t. and that you shouldn’t. and still, all you wanna do is just say "you’re everything i have dreamed of my whole life. you’re the person i’ve been waiting for all these years. you’re the painting i have pictured all my life. i don’t know how to explain what i feel but i know i want nothing more than for you to be happy because you deserve every bit of joy that comes your way. what little time we’ve spent knowing one another does not make me doubt, rather, it makes me wanna know every little bit about you, inside out. every crack that you possess does not make you tainted, instead it makes you perfect just the way you are. and every time you smile my way, i feel blessed, for my heart will be at peace in the knowledge that you are well." how do you say these words with no holds barred?

…having enjoyed a wonderful holiday. i left for bangkok on saturday morning, arriving there early afternoon. it started with all my colleagues getting onto a bus to head to the hotel. but the tour guide was m.i.a. it’s her first time on the job and she had been left behind at the airport. so we went back to look for her. then we proceeded to the hotel where we met up with other colleagues who have already checked in. the conditions at the hotel were quite poor despite the 3 star rating. spent the rest of the afternoon shopping a little before going for dinner at a restaurant called ‘curries and more’. it was a treat by the bosses. dinner was sumptuous and filling. during dinner, some colleagues decided to shift to another hotel as it was unbearable for them. they did so at a cost of 100sgd per person per night. the rest of us decided it was unnecessary, hence deciding to stay put. after dinner, we went to suan lum night bazaar. was a rather unique local scene of shopping. did not buy anything, but interesting nevertheless. after returning to hotel, we took our showers then played a card game called ‘heart attack’ in a room. was hilarious and enjoyable but quite painful for the ladies. :S

changing the subject altogether, do you know how it feels to yearn for someone whom you feel is just the perfect one for you but you just know you’re living on hope, and only hope, that there’s a chance you could be with her/him? see, when i put myself in such a situation, i tend to be blinded and try to ignore that fact. in such a scenario, i can’t try to do anything bout it but just wish to spend more time with her. even if i know in the end, it will come to nothing but hurt, i just know that i would want to take my every opportunity to spend an extra second with her because that’s a second less that i have to miss her. and every second i get to spend with her, i just feel so contented and grateful because i don’t know if i could have that personal space with her again. would it be stupid for one to be living on hope?

…has passed. this weekend has been solely devoted to football. yesterday i played in a 11 a side match between 2 EY offices in singapore. we won 4-2 in a fairly competitive game. this morning, played over 2 hours of footie again. my body’s taken a real pounding but it’s been enjoyable.

tomorrow will be a real challenge for me to see how this goes. heck, for the past few weeks it seems like everyday is a real challenge for me to resist some feelings, be it my gut feelings, or just..well..feelings. arghhh…i hate how i have so little control over what’s happening. that’s the worst feeling of my time in manchester, not having a control over the things that happen because in a relationship of any kind between 2 people, the other has some power to make or break your day. even more so if you’re close to him/her. and perhaps not being able to do anything about these kinda things is just frustrating and difficult. i shall see what happens then…

Lip reading experts have finally released a transcript of what was said to ZZ during the WC final

"you are only good enough to play for Liverpool" It’s at this very point
Zidane turned and head-butted him.

…and today has been almost as brutal as the 29th of June. all day today, i had to do minutes for a meeting that i did not attend. how to do it? listen from a recorder. the fact that the project isn’t mine meant i knew nothing didn’t help me at all. and some of you might know that i am a little hard for hearing. both my parents are a little impaired so i presume i got that from them. so needless to say, i took a real long time to do it. constantly rewinding to listen to the words spoken. sometimes up to 7 or 8 times just to catch 1 word. and i wouldn’t be able to catch it anyway in the end. just like what i do in most other things, i wanna do it well and i wanna do it right and i wanna do it quick. so i was extremely frustrated to be doing that all day.

tomorrow can only get better, right? maybe? what on earth is going on in my life? i seem to be losing some grip over how my days will go. i don’t like to feel the uncertainty so shall we hope that everything will turn in my favour without me moving a finger? let’s do. let’s hope real hard. i have to deserve some happiness after all that crap i’ve had to suffer right? come onnnnnnnnnnnn god! help me!

…since i received that piece of news that made me so unhappy. and though i thought i would be fine by now, it hasn’t been that way. see, i didn’t even think i would be real unhappy in the first place. and so when the news was delivered to my doorstep, and i felt that crushing blow, it came as a shock to me. and it is probably more shocking that the ill feeling has lasted till now. the fact that i played football yesterday and today meant that there was a chance for me to relief some of my tension but right now, it’s all back to that dark place.

so…i’ve got no other news to report. besides that the world cup has been a good source of second income thus far. shame edwin and wong stopped following me earning what wong described as ‘big bucks’. hahaha shall not say more so that i wouldn’t jinx it. but it’s been a good world cup. italia’s in the semis!!! we’ll go all the way and bring home the world cup! forza italia!! shame england is crap though. so crap. so so crap. awwwwww…cry beckham! cry! muahahahaha!