Ching Szuen

then i think again and i now start to wonder if my life will ever turn for the better. in many ways, i can’t complain about things. and i am grateful for that. but day after day i think about the reason for my existence and my inspiration to keep on believing in faith, trust, people and everything precious about life.

i realise perhaps i sweat so much on it, being so tense about it all, constantly complaining about matters is because of my inability to ‘let go’. you see, i’m very much a sentimental person, holding every memory close to my heart. be it joy, pain, ecstacy, depression, satisfaction or grief, each one of it sticks in my mind. with all the positives, i get afraid i will never experience them again, never have a chance to feel the same again. with all the negatives, i get afraid of facing them again and again, time after time, as i have done with several matters.

regrets. they’re a funny thing. whenever you act on something, you always think it’s the right and good thing to do at that point in time. otherwise you wouldn’t do it would you? and then you wait for a little more, and you start to realise it wasn’t a very clever move. so you feel like an idiot because you just wish you had a chance to make it right. and when you don’t get that chance to make it right, it stings you even more because you know you’re better than that. regrets. i’ve had one too many.

you know that thing you do when you look into the mirror and analyse yourself? i do that. and maybe i do it too often. i’ve been self-conscious so often. so afraid i’ll do the wrong thing. so afraid to make the wrong move. why? because i’ve had so many regrets. and i don’t want them anymore. along with that, i’ve been instilled with an annoying sense of responsibility and expectancy. i feel like i have an expectancy to fulfill, and i have the responsibility to fulfill them, as well as the need to fulfill them so i don’t regret it later. so does that now explain how tense i am regarding certain matters?

all these things i’ve experienced in my life for the past few years will stand me in good stead to face anything in the future. the highs and lows have certainly taught me a thing or two about people. however, now i just want to ‘let go’ of it all. i don’t want to be reminded of anything. i want to start afresh. and maybe it is time to go to another place and rebuild my life.