Ching Szuen

…and it’s got me thinking much again. it’s got me thinking because last year was the first time christmas even meant anything to me. why it did is a bit of a story behind it but today makes me think about last year. how it was hailing on christmas eve, snowing on christmas day, the dinner, the company, the place. perhaps i can only look back now and reminisce how it was the only real christmas memory that will be in my mind.

is it the time of the year or the tradition of my recent past that during this festive season, things will somehow go complicated and unwell? all those times lately that i’ve gone out with friends to red box, to shopping malls, to movies, or whatever else, have been good but they merely remind me how no matter how many people are around me, i still feel so very alone inside. one way or another, i’m just glad i’ve got the memories to cling onto. maybe those memories will be the last that i’ll have but it’s undeniable i’ll cherish them dearly because even if you’re not around, i’ll carry on keeping you inside. merry christmas.

as i sit and type here, i contemplate death. i contemplate death just as i have before. just as i have when i feel there’s no real reason for me in staying alive. the reason i’m still able to type here now is out of responsibility. a responsibility to manage my family and not let them down. all my life, i have honestly constantly thought about the good of others, the feelings of theirs. i’ve failed many times, but i never stop trying my best. i keep trying to give my best. but the question of should i live or die again lies in me trying not to let others down. i’m tired of considering other people’s opinions, thoughts and feelings. should i concentrate on what i really want on this issue? should i just go ahead and end my life and sorrow? i want so much to take all those pills, stuff them down my throat, and let it be the end of it. i want to leave and stop worrying about anything. i want to die.

we know i won’t. this is the 3rd? 4th time i’ve felt this way in my life? why are we living for? for some of us, is it cos we’re holding onto the belief that good will come someday? how bout if the good just doesn’t come day after day? what if faith and trust lets you down time and again? i’m tired. i can’t breathe. it’s been 6 months. i need to step up. but i’m helpless to do it. how do you live life without faith, belief and support? i need these things. maybe i need too many things…