Ching Szuen

…with my time well filled up and many things done. i had lunch in mid valley, tried to shop for working clothes, but only bought a pair of pants. will buy the shoes in the next few days. then came back, had dinner with family, then straight away went off to pyramid for movie with aileen and theresa. had a great time chatting and catching up a bit. movie was ‘goal’. it was alright. quite a few scenes that will make real football analyst go ‘eh?!?’ but wasn’t bad overall. raul looked like a right fool in there though. as the british would say, he looked like a ‘knobhead’. haha

well…tomorrow’s got a couple more plans. hopefully things will go well. these days i don’t know what to expect from my days anymore cos it seems like however great or disastrous things seem to be, they will surprise me at any given moment. almost on an hourly basis. and i’m not even exaggerating. situations fluctuate worse than the stock market, and more unpredictable than the weather in manchester. ahhh…at least i saw a little light at the end of the tunnel…

…after so long, i’m on my own computer again. i suppose having my computer from manchester back here goes in line with the issues i faced there. fate, i think, is a very odd thing. it puts 2 people in a situation to get to know one another, learn about one another, be in the company of one another. without fate, i wouldn’t get to know each and everyone one of you out there. without fate, i wouldn’t have met people i cherish so much. without fate, you and i will not be in touch right here, right now anymore. but at the same time, without fate causing me to appreciate certain people a lot, it wouldn’t hurt me nearly as much as it does now to try leave certain people behind.

today i made a choice to try my best to leave someone so close to my heart behind. i hope it will only be temporary but it is without doubt the most painful thing i’ve ever tried to do. it’s barely been a day and i already hate it. i don’t want to do this. but it seems i may have to do this for the good of yours. i have never lied to you. i have no reason to.

…and i’m awake again. the past week has been rather…long. well…the past 3 weeks has felt like 3 months actually. well…perhaps it’s cos i’ve been spending virtually everyday at home. everyday’s felt like a battle with myself. i think about things which i really shouldn’t do and if you keep a tab on my blog, you’ll find that i realise that, i say it all the time, but i still can’t stop doing it. it’s what you call addiction. well…that or…old habits die hard. either way, on my friendster homepage i also said that it’s ironic how the things you care most about hurts you the most. hmmm…i guess people say that if it hurts you, then you should find a way to leave it all behind. but how do you leave something behind that you care about with all your heart? it’s kinda like a lose-lose situation we’re talking about here. so…what’s the plan? what are we supposed to do? what would you do when faced with such a scenario? enlighten me please..

on a brighter note, yesterday was another session of badminton/lunch/ps2. badminton was…alright. i didn’t quite have a hard workout. that was cos i had pulled my triceps while playing the first game cos didn’t stretch properly. i have got to remember i’m not 15 anymore. sighhhh… anyway..it’s hampered me today too which means no push ups for today.

after that was lunch. and we just had to go somewhere with porridge cos as announced last week, beaver’s got braces now. firstly, GODDAMNIT for the braces. cos no more ghey beaver smile. well…still got lah for now. in fact he looks even more hilarious now, if that’s possible. strangely refused to let me get a pic of beaver in braces. don’t know why my pet so stubborn yesterday. thought he likes being photographed. oh well…he is a strange animal. and so we had to eat in taman megah where there was porridge. it was a sad sight to see the beaver merely eating porridge with veg. i mean…to give up his daily intake of wood is just life threatening, i would have thought. guess he’ll just have to make do with no wood for a month. yup, for a month the beaver will be on soft foods only. sighhhh…gonna miss the wood chewing antics…

ok one whole paragraph about the animal is enough. moving onto playing winning, well, the beaver must have read my blog last week cos yesterday he was on fire(well…ish). again we played like a league system and it was really weird. i kept beating wai kien(not so weird), beaver kept beating me(extremely weird), and wai kien kept beating/drawing the beaver(i would have thought it to be more normal for me to see a ufo in my backyard). so yeah…that was how it went. no ‘telling the truth’(gloating) this week.

after 3 hours of game time…we proceeded home. we’re like a bunch of big small kids(tai sai lo). hahaha nevertheless, it was good fun. then football at night, watching united draw was frustrating. and of course mourinho had to open his mouth and say they’ll seal the title by boxing day. as fate would have it, the bottom club, everton, held chelsea to a draw earlier today. if i didn’t believe in God before, now i do. ‘F*** off mourinho’, as Old Trafford would chant. well done evertonians. you provided us with wayne rooney, then shut the twatface up…

…but am still awake thinking the usual thoughts. what more could you think of about a certain topic if you’ve been thinking about it everyday for the past 2 years, one might ask. well, perhaps it is how the story goes from here that’s most interesting. one thing about my life at the current present is that uncertainty is as certain as it could be. so…things are all uncertain in my life. not just in terms of my career(or lack of it) but also where the ’story’ will go and take some more twists and turns from here on. and then there’s the question of if i’ll move houses and if so, where. and how about what i want to achieve 3 years from now? is it realistic? could i, would i, be strong enough to make changes and try to detach myself from the ’story’ that’s proved to be a focus point(for both good and bad reasons, i suppose) for so long? everyday seems to be a challenge for me now and i’m not quite relishing it. everyone asks why do i want a job as soon as possible. the reason is actually quite simple. if i don’t have a job, i stay at home, i endure a hard time thinking too much about things i should have stepped aside from a long, long time ago. of course there’s also the reason of wanting to launch my career off as soon as possible. but emotionally, it’s more draining to be doing nothing and thinking about things i have little control over. hence, yes, i’ve been sufferring a lot mentally since my return to malaysia.

yesterday was a refreshing experience for me. went out with adelene, her bf, beaver and wai kien. played badminton, went for lunch at kimgary in pyramid, then proceeded to play winning eleven 9 on ps2 there. needless to say, i was horrible for badminton the first couple of games cos i hadn’t played for a long long time. but thankfully it improved a bit after and beaver and i managed to push adelene and wai kien all the way to deuce later on. if you need an idea of how tough it was, let me tell you they were all in the uni badminton team.

lunch was alright though i felt exhausted by then. it was cos i had only 5 hours sleep and went for breakfast with theresa in the morning before badminton. breakfast was good but she pretended she doesn’t eat much anymore which i found hilarious. stop being a pervert! just eat lah! pervert!

and then to the best part, playing winning. ahhhhh…my chance for revenge…especially at wai kien for smashing a few times at me(though i also did smash at him once..hahaha). oh btw…smashing at me/him means the shuttle hit us. so yes, there was need for revenge. and revenge i got. hahaha there were only wai kien, beaver and i. so in total we each played 4 games. 2 games against each player. needless to say, i whacked both of them. and i’m not gloating…because i’m just being honest. hahaha before explaining further how the games went, beaver kept saying wai kien was shit so that was interesting. so first i beat beaver 3-2 then wai kien 2-1, both after extra time. after that, i whacked wai kien 5-0(i told him i’d whack him 5-0), then beaver 3-0. hahahaha all in all, i rock, they suck, i rule all, i king, goodnight. oh btw…beaver lost 2-3 to wai kien. HAHAHAHAHAHA beaver needs to get some practice. cos the other game that he beat wai kien was 2-1 after extra time. so…dude…you can go wash the toilet.

hopefully next saturday will have some more of the same. and apparently wai kien plays tennis so i could have a new tennis partner soon. i hope we’d play cos i really wanna get back into tennis again. well…other updates on friends are…adelene thinks carrefour is ‘happening’ just cos she works at bukit jalil, theresa’s got a new car, and the worst news of all is about beaver bryan. it pains me so much to say this but he’s getting braces to fix his teeth on tuesday. that means there won’t be anymore classic beaver smiles in the future. goddamnit i wanna cry just for that. let us take a moment……………amen. dude, if you read this, i think this is the end of an era. i hate you for ending the era like this. a beaver without buckteeth is against mother nature’s intentions. and you’re just ghey ghey ghey ghey ghey…

…but no matter how hard you do, how many cuts or bruises you get along the way, how long you are at it, how much pain you endured, you still can’t seem to even make the slightest progress up there? i have been feeling that way about something for the past 2 years. everytime it looks like i may be taking a step up, i fall and take 2 back. being in this state for 2 years, it’s hard to see what steps could be taken to get out of it as many many methods have been tried. needless to say, none worked, none works. do i have to move to another country to be free of my ‘quest’? hmmm…

…you are indeed ghey ghey ghey ghey ghey. hahahaha btw…i’m free the coming week so while you’re in kl, you should contact me. be the ghey stalker that you are. no worries. moving on…today i finally called mei and talked to her for a bit. been good to catch up on things from 2 months back. she’s still a pervert. finally found out her ambition, her dream is to become a house wife. hahahaha so nice guys out there…go look for her. then again, only really really nice guys are allowed. if you’re only ‘really nice’, then bugger off. you’re not good enough. i mean it.

my shuttle fan broke down again a couple of days back. or was it yesterday? i don’t know…time passes too god damn slow when i’m in this state of mind. mei told me to treat this time that i’m not working to be a holidaying period but it’s not holiday when i am actually suffering a little bit eh? so god damn it make this end!

today i went to see a chinese doc again for my breathing problem that hasn’t gone away just yet. she said there’s still some sort of ‘blockage’ in me that’s causing the problem. the said ‘blockage’ refers to the things that have been going on in my mind but not let out. unfortunately, i can’t let these things out cos if i do, then i’ll have to suffer repercussions of it, and i’m not intending to go back to ‘that place’ anytime soon, if you know what i mean. ah well…life’s a bitch…

talking about suffering repercussions, so why do ppl do things without thinking that then ends up to be screwed up and finally sulking over them? my theory is that sometimes even when people do think about their actions before carrying them out, they tend to leave out the possibility of things going wrong. it’s something like…choosing only to see the benefits or rewards that can be gained from doing certain things but turning a blind eye to the negatives or backlash that could happen should it go against the plan. someone’s told me that when she wants to do something (to someone, perhaps) there’s no point discussing the effects, however negative, with that person because she really wants to do it anyway. how the other person feels about the decision or situation does not matter a single bit (and when i say this, i mean a depressing feeling) as long as she wants to do it.

so is it fair to say that my theory is put into practice in this case? i really think so. why wouldn’t you think about the unhappiness that you put yourself and the other person through before deciding to make a decision that will affect both your lives? shouldn’t you be respecting the other’s views? shouldn’t you be considering the other’s feelings? shouldn’t there be at least a discussion of which action is the best option?

and then there’s the ‘i did it for the best interest of yours’ explanation. how would it be the best interest of the other if you don’t talk to them about it? how do you know what’s the preferred option of the other? how is it that you refuse to consider other aspects of an action apart from ‘i really wanna do it’? at the risk of sounding like a sexist, this is the sort of irrationality that has come to dictate the actions of women. man oh man…if you’re guessing that i’m writing this through experience, then give yourself a pat in the back cos i’ve suffered this many times over. no, it doesn’t mean i have not suffered bouts of irrationality time and again. it just means my irrationality does not involve cases like this that affects the lives of others in such a huge manner. either way, if i’ve done that before to anyone, then please accept my apologies. if not, please don’t do it to others. communication is the tool for success in handling relationships. it wouldn’t hurt to discuss a thing or two sometimes…

…and disillusioned. i think i’m a very goal-oriented individual so bumming around for a week back here has been nothing short of frustrating. i need to get my ass off the chair soon to get my career going but there hasn’t been much news on the job front. it doesn’t help that i don’t have my uni certificate as well as transcript. in any case, i’ve been working out to fill a little of my time. someone’s told me it hasn’t worked. but it’s a comment i expect from her. then again…she might be right. hahaha only met up with cempakans once to send edwin off who’s going to singapore to work. good luck to him. tai uei’s got a job here with accenture too. again, good luck to him. and beaver also got a job with kearney i think it is. he’s got a huge salary package for that job so he doesn’t need any luck. but let’s wish him good luck anyway. =D let’s hope the next one’s me. i don’t need a huge salary package, just gimme higher than average and i’ll be satisfied. hehehe

i have been trying to set up streamyx but of course tmnet is screwed up. bloody idiotic malaysians. malaysians are annoying. yes i am one too. but nobody said i’m not annoying. hahahaha moving on, there’s unusually been no sports sessions since i got back. which explains why i’m working out on my own. let’s hope the sessions roll back soon cos i’m rotting. did i mention my frustration at being unemployed? goddamnit i need a job!!!!

things have been pretty mixed on a personal front. sometimes i wonder why am i going through the motions of being up in the sky, down underground, then back up again. then again, i actually wonder everyday. hahaha but it’s fine. at least it goes up every now and again. goddamnit i should never have hung out with joe, aldrian and beaver so often. now everything i say, i feel like there’s an element of sexual innuendos about them. hahaha *ahem* anyway…. =D

got nothing much else to say except that if you’ve not got anything to do during weekdays, gimme a call and we shall go out. my number’s 016 315 3038. stalkers are welcomed until i get a job. that’s you, beaver.