so it’s another sleepless night at 5am…
…reflecting and wondering what my life has brought me. reviewing what i’ve been through in manchester throughout the past 3 years has been nothing short of a roller coaster ride. the uncertainty, the fear, the dilemma that filled my heart proved theirs reasons after 3 years. in this time i’ve gotten to know people, learn new cultures, practice new rituals, been through hell. pondering what went wrong in my life has almost been like a past time to me lately. i realise i should have known all this was coming even at the age of 10. the pressure my parents put me through. the fear of failure. the lack of support. the controlling of my life. the lack of understanding in me. the absence of knowledge that my sister and i are two very very different individuals despite having the same parents. at every step i took, i was always under the spotlight. always ready to be trialed. always ready to be prosecuted. it’s been a tough 21 years for me. i do not talk to my family. i do not confide in them. i do not find the comfort and security a child should have from his family. yes…there’s nowhere like home…
reflecting upon what has happened in manchester also made me realise how important it is making the right friends. no, this is not about making friends with drug dealers, mobs or robbers. that’s obvious. it is about making friends with people who seem to be out there to make you feel shit and unworthy of appreciation or existence even. it is about people who forget who you are in your bad times, while wishing to seek comfort in you when they’re suffering. it is about the people who enjoy the happy times, then disappear when you just want a friend. no, i do not expect much from people. i expect the right amount. i expect to be treated like a friend. i expect to be given the same amount of concern, respect and understanding i dish out. this whole manchester experience, this whole experience over the past 3 years has taught me oh so much. these are lessons you can’t pay to learn. these are lessons i have learnt the hard way. everything always seems to turn out complicated. the politics. the backstabbing. the lies. the deceit. the empty promises. i wish i could delete the past 3 years and do it all over again. unfortunately we only get one shot in life…and i blew it…
with regards to the actual degree i’m doing, or did, either way, yeah of course i screwed it up. or at least it looks that way right now. why wouldn’t i screw it up? i’m that guy who hates the family pressure, that guy people enjoy screwing over, that guy who does everything non academic with more joy than reading books itself. i’m that guy alright. this is great. i’ve always been one to make jokes, have a good laugh, enjoy myself. simple things pleases me. simple things make me feel life is wonderful. i like to think that is in my nature because that is how i am when i am in the company of people i feel more comfortable with. i guess i just regret how life has brought me up, how i feel alienated from my family, how i feel screwed up by some people i care about. why is it that the things and people who mean the most to you always hurt you the most? the irony…
