Ching Szuen

…reflecting and wondering what my life has brought me. reviewing what i’ve been through in manchester throughout the past 3 years has been nothing short of a roller coaster ride. the uncertainty, the fear, the dilemma that filled my heart proved theirs reasons after 3 years. in this time i’ve gotten to know people, learn new cultures, practice new rituals, been through hell. pondering what went wrong in my life has almost been like a past time to me lately. i realise i should have known all this was coming even at the age of 10. the pressure my parents put me through. the fear of failure. the lack of support. the controlling of my life. the lack of understanding in me. the absence of knowledge that my sister and i are two very very different individuals despite having the same parents. at every step i took, i was always under the spotlight. always ready to be trialed. always ready to be prosecuted. it’s been a tough 21 years for me. i do not talk to my family. i do not confide in them. i do not find the comfort and security a child should have from his family. yes…there’s nowhere like home…

with regards to the actual degree i’m doing, or did, either way, yeah of course i screwed it up. or at least it looks that way right now. why wouldn’t i screw it up? i’m that guy who hates the family pressure, that guy people enjoy screwing over, that guy who does everything non academic with more joy than reading books itself. i’m that guy alright. this is great. i’ve always been one to make jokes, have a good laugh, enjoy myself. simple things pleases me. simple things make me feel life is wonderful. i like to think that is in my nature because that is how i am when i am in the company of people i feel more comfortable with. i guess i just regret how life has brought me up, how i feel alienated from my family, how i feel screwed up by some people i care about. why is it that the things and people who mean the most to you always hurt you the most? the irony…

…so sudden and quickly. today is a saturday and seems like time is kinda running out. mind is wandering as usual but not with the same thoughts. it’s weird how things turn into something so complicated when feelings are involved. if only they could be simple. anyway…made plans today to go for batman then dinner. will be going with beaver, ling yu, chelsin and dawn. hmmm..hang on..this is the first time we’ll have more girls than guys in an outing! hahaha just realised that. *ahem*..let’s get past that… so anyway…will be going to town soon to buy a phone card. have to call home for father’s day. yesterday called home to wish dad happy birthday with beaver’s card. so today must buy. and get the feeling i’ll use the card more often the next week or so anyway. oh and also must return a tie i had bought for beaver’s b’day present. returning it cos chipped in with other friends to get him a mini ipod instead. had the words ‘purple beaver’ engraved on the ipod! hahaha anyway thought of keeping the tie but short on cash so will have to return it. hmmm ok..aileen lost her swipecard. damn careless again. yong li ying…you suck man. anyway…she just took my swipecard and left. that pervert… ok will get ready to go out and have a walk now… looking forward to movie and dinner…ahhh….

…something that’s been causing me literally sleepness nights and depression for the past month. it is hard not to think about it when all you could do is sit and wonder what if things had been different. how do time heal when the memory lingers on? i have no idea how this relationship between 2 people actually works. i’ve always worked hard at relationships i wish to prosper. i’ve always tried to give the best of me to the people i care about. so how and where does all this go wrong for me? people say there are reasons and explanations for everything that happens but what is the case for mine? people just decide to do what they think is best for me without consulting my opinion and then go on to wreck my life. do you not think it is fair that you talk to me if your decision or action is directly related to me? do you not think if you want to make a decision or choice about our relationship then we should talk it out? do you not think a relationship between 2 person is a 2 way street? it is no wonder people also say that you should marry someone you can have conversations with because for a relationship to work, conversation and compromise are the most essential components. or at least i thought so. doesn’t seem like many people see that point. ahhh…the pain you put me through…

…it could have been. meaning wake up, look at computer, feel bored, don’t know what to do. so watched a couple of episodes of that 70’s show, then fell back asleep again. woke up looking forward to going for pizza hut buffet with chris, ali, amir and alan only for them to bail on me. great. now i’m hungry and plans are outta the window. so cooked korean instant noodles then stare into the computer some more. tried fixing old comp to get the fan running but nothing works. tried to change it back to the old fan but can’t squeeze my fat fingers to fit the plug back into the computer. so thought would go to microdirect for help for a new fan/to put the fan back. then realised i got a total wealth of just over a quid left. so i’m broke, computer broke, plans broke. yay! but hang on…things were gonna be looking up. went to beaver’s place to play pro evo on ps2. after that went dinner in east with wee kiat, beaver, kok kin, ling yu, dawn and 2 new fellas, zheng jie and clifford. dinner was lotsa fun. poking fun at everyone and everything. hahaha and then rushed back home to change for futsal in power league at 10-12. futsal was crap tonight cos i played shit. below standards if you will. and then it got worse when i collided knee first into peja’s shins i think. i squeeled like a pig literally pulling my hair for about 10 minutes due to the excruciating pain. that’s probably my worst injury so far…touch wood. first thing that went through my mind was aldrian and his screwed up knee. *shiver* after that alan sent chris, beaver and i home. that was when alan told me my team had 6 guys and his team had 7. so 6 against 7. no wonder i felt like it was so tough tonight! cis…suddenly i felt better about my performance cos at least i scored a few goals. still my knee hurts so much. man it’s gonna bruise in the morning. so how’s the morning gonna be like tomorrow? hmmm…

…at taipan. dinner was really good. went with bryan, wee kiat, kok kin, chelsin and ling yu. had loadsa food and tried this apparently ‘hong kong style’ soya sauce whereby you crack a raw egg and mixed with the soya sauce that has some red chillis in it. was really cool. tasted good too! so when you dip your food in it you’ll have a bit of a salty, spicy, and ‘egg-y’ taste to it. will definitely try it again next time. the tomyam base for the steamboat was really good too. had loadsa soup…mmmmmmm… there was lobster, fish, chicken, beef, prawns, mussels, all kinds of balls, and some more. too many to mention but yeah..really good. shit…think i’m hungry already thinking about it. hahaha before that played football. today’s session was only so so but still ok. got quite a few of tense muscles and bruises from it. got kicked by a scottish fella a few times and swore at him but all heat of the game. hmmm..wonder if i’m gonna stardee tonight for monday’s paper. business forecasting…last exam of my uni life. have a totally mixed feeling about it. on one hand happy that exams are over and won’t sit for exams anymore. on the other hand not looking forward to the uncertainty and the loss of direction in my life. what career paths to go into. where to work. which company to apply to. too many questions with so few answers. well…for now will delay those thoughts and look forward to the next steamboat/bbq session with these ppl. =D oh btw…after tonight…i don’t think i’ll touch/look/eat a tai pau(big bun) again for a very very very very long time…*shiver*…..

hmmm…it seems difficult to have ordinary days for the past month. you know…the type you just chill out and relax and have a free mind without having to make too much use of your brain cells. the past couple of days have been unfortunate in that a few things happened with arguments being held and words exchanged. my whole experience here in manchester has made me learnt so much about people, if nothing else. people are idiots. not all of course. but the ugly sides of people have been revealed many times over. the hypocrites, the lies, the deceit, the ‘acts’ if you will. it is extraordinary how people can be irrational and selfish at times you expect sense and understanding to prevail. don’t get me wrong, i don’t hate people. in fact all my life i believed in the good side of every person. i believe that everyone has a good side to them and when there’s a matter of urgency, then their good side will come up and show how we humans should behave. why be the most intelligent creature in the world if you’re gonna be an asshole, yes? we did not have this intelligence and ability to weigh our options for nothing. shouldn’t we use it to make the right, rational decisions? hell i have been guilty of irrationality at various points but at least i make the effort to look at myself in the mirror to see the flaws in me. shouldn’t we all do that? just sit down and think what we could have done better, so we will stop making mistakes. i guess i think what is most important in our lives is not the pain, suffering, joy or excitement that we had endured, but the lessons we have learnt from them. i wish days could be simpler, with less controversy, politics, misunderstandings, rash decisions, false presumptions and snap judgements. let’s all be simple, honest and direct with a good heart inside of us. let’s all be friends and be a friend in every sense of the word. oh btw..this is not directed to anyone in particular and also not based on anyone in particular so stop guessing. it is just something i had observed from a while back but just feel more strongly about now. oh…lastly…let’s just chill and stop yelling. i hate noises. quit yelling people. my ears are fine…