Ching Szuen

hmmm…first post ever in a blog. my blog. never tried anything like this before. never thought i would. it’s 2:47am right now on the 8th of may 2005. feeling somewhat lost. the past 2 weeks of my life has been nothing short of hell. certain things happened, i’ve lost an important part of my life, and the timing’s horribly awful with exams coming up in 11 days. this is just great. i’ve been thinking too much, doing too little, and sleeping hardly enough. to compound my misery, i’m starting to get insomnia and migraine back. some people say i complain a lot. it’s hard not to when there seems to be nothing to cheer about here in this foreign country. i’ve said all along the past few years i regret studying here in manchester. i’ve never felt more strongly about that than i have in the past 2 weeks. motivation, direction, targets, dreams. they’ve been missing lately. how am i going to cope with my finals? last exams of my life and i’m in the worst possible condition to face it. maybe people out there will say ‘be grateful since you could be in a worse situation like xxx’ but to be honest, them saying that will not change the fact that i’m feeling like i’m 60 feet under the ground. AND i’ll feel even worse since i still feel like shit and now i get the added feeling of guilt for being depressed. ahhh…what the hell am i supposed to do now? geez…i need more of em anti depressants. on the brighter side…ermmm…i’m still alive? well…i guess i just need to figure out why women enjoy putting me through hell, from 1 to another. if only i didn’t give a damn how anyone else felt. if only i don’t care about others. if only i’d be able to give people shit like i just don’t care. if only i were ghey. well…not really…

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