Ching Szuen

i think it’s fair to say that in the past few months i have been feeling disillusioned about how life is going on. but sometimes i do wonder what the matter is about. is it me? or the environment that just doesn’t suit me? is it the world that i’m unable to adapt to?

today i was real pissed at 2 colleagues who i felt crossed the line and i reacted. come on, let’s face it. i’m not one who’s good at hiding the feelings. so yeah, i retaliated. i then received a comment that i was ‘over reacting’. it’s funny how people readily comment on others’ behaviour in this world. i must say, maybe i did ‘over react’. maybe i didn’t. these are all very subjective views. i could have easily said they were being real insensitive jerks. but again, it’s all subjective. but let’s just take a moment and review what’s going on around here.

i’ll make a few examples of what kind of differences in personality people have in this world. firstly, my chat with aileen. her analysis of herself is that she is always thinking, always considering the things and standards she sets for herself. she does what she can, and thinks is right. she expects very little of others because it’s really out of her hands. i then shared with her my version of analysis. i’m one who has always been focusing on what’s "fair". i hate accusations. unfair events. and perhaps that is what’s led me to think that whatever i do for others, whatever sacrifices i’m willing to make, others should recognise that and at least attempt to give me the same kind of effort. what consideration and understanding i offer others, i kinda do expect the same back. that’s really only fair, isn’t it?

i remember when i first came over to singapore. i bemoaned how many incidences whereby i’m in a train, lots of youths are sitting down, listening to music, playing ps3, reading books, or just taking a nap. and when handicapped, pregnant or elderly people enter the trains, people sitting down would just lift their heads up, look at them, and continue doing what they were doing. sure, it’s not always like that. but i am sad to say that not even close to 50% of the time, the people sitting down do the ‘right’ thing and give up their seats.

incident 2, a guy comes into the train with many huge bags. sits right next to me on a 2 seater space. dumps most of his large bags on his lap, and pushed me aside and left his bag partially on my lap. then proceeds to pull the bag on the floor and landed it on my foot. nothing said. no sorry or anything at all.

incident 3, rewind back to the mall i was in before coming back. 1 guy, in his 20s, spat in the mall at a glass panel next to the escalator where there is heavy traffic of people. then just walked off as his spit slowly flowed down the glass panel. does he care that his spit may contain germs that might cause others to fall sick in this flu season? no way.

classic incident 4, not something that just happened today, but almost on a daily basis. someone carrying large plastic bags, walking around, not giving a damn which direction he’s swinging the bags and who he’s hitting. just go on and sway it. who cares right? as long as it’s not hitting yourself, you can just go on and hit the others.

i will stop short of listing hundreds of examples of how people can be so inconsiderate. and what more, an educated, modern, developed country like singapore. by the way, if you fail to see what made me irritated in those 4 incidences above, perhaps you are part of what i see are problems of the society, and maybe the world. don’t you think that it’s just so unfair for the rest of us who bother to give up our seats to people who need it more, watch where we’re carrying our belongings so they don’t hit others, and learn how to use the toilet to spit the things we do not wish to have in our mouths? frankly, if i was allowed to take matters into my own hands, many people will get smacked.

it makes me feel much despair as i’ve always been one who love kids, would love to have kids of my own, raise them up as best i can and see them grow into wonderful human beings. why despair? because in the world of today, how do i raise them? i would like to think of myself as one who places much importance in being considerate and tactful. but how can i raise my children to have such qualities if it means that they will be disadvantaged in the world of today and the future? who would have the same qualities? will they give a damn? is raising them to have good morals "the best thing" for them? or is raising them to be capable of taking advantage, tactless, and manipulative really "the best thing" for them?

oh yes, i rant. maybe some say i whine. but maybe i’m just one of those who just care enough about how the world has come to. and maybe i’m just one of those who just bother to say what’s wrong in this society. maybe i’m just one of those who hope that someone somewhere can read this and learn how to cultivate some compassion and care for the world.

where am i heading? i don’t have a particularly convincing answer to that. i wish i knew. when will the ache on my back stop? i don’t know. every sort of treatment i’ve had…from the fucking massages from countless sin se’s, to the fucking useless western doctors, to the bloody chinese traditional doctor who massaged fucking hard and gave me acupuncture, to the specialist who was only interested in asking me to go for an MRI scan which costs a thousand bucks. none of these fuckers gave a shit whether i cure or not. they’re just in it for the cash. fuck you doctors out there. you’re all fucking useless.

yes, i’m pissed. and seemingly emotionally unstable too. well, guess that’s cos i am. i’m so frustrated. and how bout at work? just a bloody drag to get up in the morning, little things to inspire me or to look forward to. i’m at a lost to find a direction. i need to see the ray of light from somewhere. or to get a strong arm to support me while i’m crashing down so helplessly. i know there are plenty out there who would come to me at the ring of a phone call if i needed it. but sometimes it’s most precious when you don’t ask for it, yet get all you need at that very point in time.

i don’t know. there are so many things i don’t know. so many things i wish for. so many desires unsatisfied. yet i know they all seem like a million miles from where i really am right now. if there’s anything i know, it’s that people are just so ungrateful at times. i know there’s so much going on for me at the moment. there would be people who’d kill to be where i am. yet, as human nature demands, my thirst for desires seem to be unquenchable. what an idiot i am.

would it be a sign of weakness on my part to feel so vulnerable, so susceptible to falling and breaking. this is certainly not the first time i’ve felt so lost, like i don’t belong. and i guess these are times that will continue re-occuring throughout my lifetime. i just wonder how i dealt with it before, and how i should deal with it in the future. these may be what people used to call ‘mid life crisis’. so i guess i would just loosely use the word ‘quarter life crisis’ here then. why loosely? cos i’ve probably used that phrase about 100 times before. funny then that i allow myself to creep back into this state if i’ve had so much experience of it before eh?

so what made me laughed, you ask? well…i reached one of the stations on the way back and suddenly i heard a guy singing. it was this indian guy doing his best to belt out all his renditions of indian songs that he knew best supplementing it with sound effects such as ‘psssssssss’, ‘ha ha ha’, and ‘la la la’s. ok. that was just annoying. but at least a guy on the train had the wit to take his camera phone out and posed as though he was holding a nearby pole for support, and proceeded to record the indian guy on his phone. how clever is that??? hahahhahaha and the indian guy was happilly singing away possibly just ignoring everyone else around him laughing at him.

anyway…so i reached my stop, went out of the station. barely a minute later, a CHINESE dude started belting out old classical chinese songs loudly in the underpass! hahahahahahha OMFG. that was so goddamn hilarious. so i turned around to check out who the crap that was. and to my shock, i recognise this guy!!! and to my further shock, this guy is NOT my colleague!! hahaha how do i recognise this guy, you ask? well..there was an evening when i was outside cathay cinemas queueing up for movie tickets, and suddenly a chinese man belted out old classical chinese songs and everyone was staring at him and laughing. yes. it was the same guy!! hahahhahah

sometimes, you realise, it is not an issue, or a problem, or a focus that is the challenge. it is not overcoming it. it is not how big or small it is. it is not about how trivial or huge it is. sometimes, it’s just the principal of how things should be that’s the problem. not if you are able to get past it. over it. done with. it is how or what method is used to get past it. over it. done with.

if it doesn’t make sense to you, or you don’t understand what i’m talking about, then you shall be forgiven. because i’m typing this while being quite irrational, yet holding my principal firm. it’s not always a good thing of course. in fact, it’s usually a bad thing. but i guess if something’s important to me, then it just is. you know what i mean?

i’d like to quote something that vee ann has said before that stuck in my mind up till now. she said..’i let him (her bf) win or decide on certain things because i know it is more important to him than it is to me’. that really struck my mind. because usually, i would tell ppl ‘anything’ or ‘anywhere’, because i know it may be more important for them to decide on things. more important relative to me anyway.

now, it is not that i can’t decide, or that i don’t have an opinion. it’s just that i rather let others decide because it could be more important to them. now i know i’m repeating myself, but i’m just trying to drive that point home. so at times when i feel something is important to me, something that i hold dear to my heart, then i really hope that others would use vee ann’s perspective and say…’ok…i care about his feelings, and i want him to be happy. so if it’s more important to him that certain things are done a certain way, then we’ll do it his way.’ yes, it’s a sacrifice. but truthfully, for any two people to live with each other or get along, there’ll always be sacrifices on each person’s part.

Kafe Metta
11A, Jalan SS2/30
Petaling Jaya
47300 Selangor

now i know you’re all probably thinking how crappy organic foods probably taste but let me assure you, i’ve tasted some of the foods available there, and it’s actually surprisingly good. i especially liked the fried bee hoon, seaweed fried rice and miso ramen. besides, you feel healthier when you eat those organic foodstuffs rather than having a plate of char koey teow. so when you’re thinking of where to have your next meal, what new foods you may want to experiment, or just want to lead a healthier lifestyle, then come on over and check it all out!

now let me give you a little insight about why my parents chose to do this little business. well, actually, my mom’s a vegetarian. she decided to go down this path when my sis and i were in the uk. so she’s already been a vegetarian for a good 5 years or so now. and since both my parents learnt of how beneficial it is to take organic foodstuffs, they thought it’d be a great idea to educate the public and share some knowledge about it too.

what can i say bout things since 26 march. well…life wouldn’t be life for me if it wasn’t filled with quite drastic fluctuations of joy and despair from a second to another. i’m beginning to think this is all my fault. maybe i just don’t have that kind of ability to handle the things i need to handle. maybe i’m just rushing everything so much that i’m too obsessed with getting things right for the future rather than enjoy ‘the moment’. i know i have said this many times but i seem to be a creature that’s not great at learning certain things. i suppose i don’t change too much cos if i do, i may feel as though i’m losing me. so…just a matter of getting a balance i suppose. something i’m trying to learn.

let’s talk bout the past 3 weeks. firstly, never worked this hard in my life. worked so so hard that i hardly have time for anything else besides eating, showering and sleeping. and even if i did have the time, i didn’t have the energy. man, that was tiring alright. also been under so much stress in this time. i have to be honest. at times, i was so tempted to just drop everything and quit. just run. escape. but then again, it wouldn’t be me if i did that, would it?

is it all too much for me to handle right now? i don’t know. i’m trying the best i can to plan for the best possible future. and i’m suffering in the present at times. like trying to save up and stuff. and even when i think to myself, my morale is so so low, i wanna pamper myself by buying something nice for myself, but i don’t actually know what i want. or rather, the things i want, i wouldn’t spend that kinda money for them.

today, i argued with someone who’s important to me, again. well, it wasn’t so much of an argument as the person just being angry at me. it’s something i feel should never be an issue. but unfortunately, not everyone looks at the world with the same eyes as you do. so i can only attempt to understand, and try to make things better.

mei seen just msged me on yahoo messenger. she wants to meet up with me to ‘patch things up’ over a misunderstanding that happened over the internet and she reckons that i probably ’still hate’ her. ppl just never understand me well enough. all the people who have ever been close to me, who are close to me, and who will be close to me, i will always attempt to be good to them. there is no ulterior motive to my wanting to be good. i just want to make people happy. and hope they understand that. so when people misunderstand the things i do, it is deeply disappointing. if we’ve known each other for a long time, then you should know me better. if we haven’t spent that much time together, then it is the times we spent together discovering one another that matters. nothing else matters. if i were to die tonight, i can go peacefully. because i know i have done my best and there can be no regrets.

when i think back to all the times when i’ve felt so crap, it all boils down to the expectations of ppl. my parents gave me a hard time by expecting so much of me, just because my sister constantly touched the sky. closest friends hardly appreciate the crap i would go through for them, if only just to raise a little smile on their faces. women expect me to climb the mountains and swim the seas for them, but always looking for me to scale greater heights after all that. i can never do enough. sometimes, i wonder what this life is for.

i grow up picturing those picket fences, just a simple life with my family and i. just being happy laying down under the sun, with a wife, and kids running around actively. and i guess i’ve always worked towards that. now…i’m turning 23. and i still want to work towards that. i don’t know how long has it been since i did something for myself. to make myself happy. in the present. all i think about is saving money for the future. i keep losing hold of the present. i feel so tired. the picture of picket fences and family is slowly fading. the desire lessens. and my body giving up.

last week or so, my doctor diagnosed me with fibromyalgia. a condition possibly caused by stress. now…let me share a little with you about my medical history. i’ve suffered migraines. due to stress. difficulty breathing. due to stress. insomnia. due to stress. now this. a common denominator perhaps? am i being emotionally unstable if i react to certain circumstances? would it be that if i am also physically enduring torture due to stress? ever since i have learnt the word ’stress’, i’ve never stopped feeling it.

and you know what the funny thing is? those who are closest to me, the best friends, the family, the women, they have been the ones who imposed, and continue to impose, the most stress on me. i thought if you really cared about me, you should care about how i’m feeling. my pain is not just psychological or emotional, it is physical too. how do i rid myself of the stressors? get rid of family? get rid of friends? i never consider this as a solution. never did. probably never will. i always wish to face issues head on. but unfortunately, the other party rarely agrees to the same methodology. not everyone look at the world with the same eyes as you, remember?

ahhh..the fool that is me. the past few years…it’s made me feel like…i am so accustomed to being in the doldrums. that when i get some joy, i’m afraid to let it out for ppl to know. so afraid that i will jinx it and make it go away. so afraid to lose the good things by sharing it with others. that’s why i normally only complain in here, rarely sharing the good news. stupid? of course. but that’s been the theme of my life thus far. they say your life is in your hands to shape. i believe that. or believed anyway. thing is, however you want to shape your life, there will always be outside influences that will turn your direction on its head. just like an economic model. you can’t just look at a close economy and say ‘ok, we remove all external factors, then the model will cause A and B to happen.’ because the fact is, removing external factors will render the model useless in the real world. do you get what i mean? you probably don’t. ha..

when i was in kl, i was packing my things in my room for the impending house move. i had dug up a lot of things from my past. things that i had kept even till now. right from the things relating to mei seen, then to yi wei, then to nat. all these things, tiny little things that used to matter so much to me, i have kept till now. and as i found more and more of these things, i decided to move away from that. i chucked away most of the things. all these people who used to mean so much to me, and all these people who then slowly left my life, all have the slightest idea how much i cared, how much effort i put in, how much time i spent just thinking and hoping they are fine. now, as i move on, i am afraid that it will be another same old story. so fearful that it will turn out to be just an unappreciative a person, or just as clueless as to how much i’d give for a smile in my direction. funny then that i’m even here typing because it is that another miniscule matter in my eyes that has caused the hurricane to hit.

you only want to be with someone if that person brings you joy and comfort, peace and companionship, laughter and contentment. in truth, we’re always searching for these features to be in our lives. for if we can achieve all that, then life has a meaning. there is a reason to live. so if you think you can get that from someone you’re with, then you should put in your effort and try to give the same things to the other.

when i was younger, i used to think, alright. this is me. i’m not gonna change for anybody. and if i’m gonna be with someone, she’s gotta accept me for me and don’t expect me to change. but as i mature and go through some experiences, i realise that just wouldn’t work. in truth, the significant other would always want to make us a better person. not just so that he/she gets to benefit out of the changes you make, but also the satisfaction that he/she is able to spur you on to improvement by giving you inspiration and drive.

so now i think, well…to be with another person, you will always have to change certain characteristics of your behaviour to complement the other. you’ve gotta want to make the change to make things work between the both of you. and you should never say ‘forget it. this is me. it’s either you accept it, or you bugger off.’ cos in truth, if you’re going to maintain that stance, all those joy, comfort, peace, companionship, laughter and contentment would not be achieved. they will always remain out of your grasps if you are unwilling to compromise. chinese people always say it’s hard to live under the same roof as another. so if you can’t even live with the other in a different roof, then what chance have you of touching bliss when you are under a same roof?

so…gonna probably be going back next weekend. though hopefully i can postpone it to the weekend after. so…just gotta see on the decisive factor which is a court hearing for my application to get refund on property bought under my name. long story, but basically i may have to be there to collect a large some of money. so i shall be going back for sure. haha

back and shoulder is still as bad as before. not much improvement. have stopped seeing my physio. not sure if i should continue to try that. seems to be taking up too much time and too many days of mc to do that. so…may not be the ideal thing to do. speaking of which, i should probably arrange another session soon. shall go set reminder now.

ok done. now now..what else is there to talk about. probably not much. bday’s coming up soon. and again, look back to the past year. last year, i spent my bday working, then having dinner with parents at clark quay. then going home, shower, then sleeping. so…not exactly a fun one. though i remember dinner to be good. nevertheless, hoping this year will be more exciting. seems strange to look forward to it since it’s almost another 3 weeks away. but then again, does seem quite soon. haha